Monday, 21 November 2011

'Trying is Lying' *

I am trying so hard at the moment to feel, to change, to be something 'better' than I am. Rather than surrender to the Truth, lay it all down before God and grieve and feel whatever comes up at any given moment for me, reveal my injured self to myself, God, everyone else (even as I write this I am still trying and not grieving). I am exhausted with trying so hard all the time. Exhausted of keeping up the facades. Exhausted**.

I was reminded some days ago that 'trying is lying' and that reminded me that I am a lier. I am finding that really difficult to admit to myself let alone to anyone else. I have 'tried' and lied my whole life to be what others want at any given moment - and now, with God it is not working. A lot of things 'don't work' with God - I am now actually seeing there are addictions in me that are not loving. There is a lot of un-loving-ness in me! I haven't really focused on that before and I am still reluctant to see just how much un-loving-ness is there. I am stubborn, resistant and addicted.

I have so many facades and can be 'anything anyone wants'. Well that is actually getting harder and if I am 'what anyone wants' I now feel yucky if not in the moment definitely afterwards (but I am still doing it). So I am 'trying' to be more authentic, problem is I have to think about it so it doesn't always happen.

And there lies the problem for me: I want to be reliant on Eloisa and 'try' my way to God rather than surrender to God and her perfect process to become at one with her.

In my head, intellectually, I 'get it'. In my heart and soul - where it matters - I resist it. I know there is this beautiful path to God called the Divine Love Path and I have to say that in my head I want it badly, but my actions show me that I follow Natural Love a lot more often and at times I don't follow Love at all and God is forgotten too often.

God please help me to want to allow myself to surrender to you, to want to cry, to forgive, to repent, to love, to feel the Truth of what happened to little me, the little Eloisa I hide away (a sad laugh, I still want to hide her even though I now know God knows/feels everything about me and always has, and that the every spirit in the spirit world also can see everything I have ever done/thought/felt/been).

Dear God

I don't feel I have much desire at the moment. Please help me grow the desire to WANT to know the Truth, all of it, every last scrap that has happened to me in my life and help me to desire and WANT to FEEL that God. God please show me the truth and can I have faith and courage and trust you and myself that I can actually be with you without 'trying' and lying so hard all the time!


Things I am finding helpful at the moment: 
- Prayer/longing to God
-Talking to my Celestial Guides about emotional blocks, what is going on, desires and passions
- Miriam Greenspan's book 'Healing Through the Dark Emotions'
- Exploring my Passions and Desires as they come up - ACTING on them, any thought or feeling - if it is in harmony with love - when it comes up. If it is not in harmony with love feeling or even intellectually acknowledging just how much I want to to do it (the intellectual bit is more common than the feeling part at this time). A lot of 'self talk' is taking place and I am finding the conversations revealing. I have noticed I don't listen to myself, others, my guides, or God very much, when I do it is REALLY HELPFUL!!!

* Thanks Mary for this little slogan.

** But not exhausted enough to do it differently or give them up!

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

I want to live my life and Feel in my heart and soul that:


God is my number one!

GOD is my true parent and I feel that in my soul!

I love God ALL the time!
I love myself every bit of me!
I love my soulmate without restraint or condition!

Emotions are the norm!
I love to feel and release every feeling within me and I feel God's love each time I do so!

Truth is delighted in!

I love without trying!

I am my True Authentic self EVERY single moment!

I live in my passions and desires always!

I love freely and openly ALL my brothers and sisters!

I can openly and lovingly feel and converse with ALL soul's no matter their condition or location!

I live and stand for God, Truth and Love above all else!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

My Number 1

Last night one of our guides commented on how often we both focus on our kids to connect to our emotions rather than being connected to God. 

How our priorities and order is the kids first rather than God, self,  partner, kids.  That as soon as we have God first the kids are looked after and feel our love so much more (all my words rather than exact guides words).

After the talk it was very clear that God is our first priority. The question I had for myself was "had God ever been my first priority"? The answer is a very quick No.

So if God was my number 1 priority.......

How would I start?

How would it feel?

What would I be doing with my life?

Dear God

I desire to open up to the truths about you, please guide me in opening up to feeling your truth

I desire to feel you as the Grand Master and Creator of the Universe, please show me how I need to  open up to feeling you

I desire to have a constant and loving relationship with you, please show me my blocks to loving you

I would really like to communicate with you and understand the Laws of the Universe, please show me how to open up to your voice and what is currently preventing me from hearing

finally I would really love to feel and live in divine love and truth. 

God Thank You for creating this Universe and the Human Soul

P.S Thank you Jeshua for having "God's Way Of Love Principles" available on the God's Way Of Love website which is where my prayer has been inspired from.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Addicted to Fear

Fear permeates every part of my life like garlic on my skin. The fear, like the smell of garlic lingers sometimes strong and sometimes appearing to be mild (it seems to come in pulses of varying strengths). It is everywhere. What I am noticing is that some things I fear will happen,  actually have been happening to me my whole life or are happenning to me and I am in denial that that is the case. Other things I am afraid of probably will never happen, but the threat of them feels so real that I stay in the fear of the possibility of them happening. So I figured that I would 'Tell myself and everyone else the Truth' about just how afraid I am most of the time*. 

I know I have written 'bravely', or to look brave about fear or just about entering into feeling the fear, well that hasn't happened. I have realised I am afraid and told you and then I have scurried away and hidden and pretended I am brave and feeling my fear when I am not. I have had two very small 'I've felt fear and thats enough now' moments - I want to look better than I actually am. I am terrified of feeling afraid. I am terrified of being consumed by fear and never getting through it. I am terrified that all I have heard about processing fear is not actually true and I am going to die feeling it.

What I am feeling at the moment is that living in fear SUCKS! But I am too afraid to face the fear. My fear of the fear keeps me captive. I feel controlled and manipulated and confined, frustrated, annoyed, angry, OPPRESSED by the terror I feel! I have no idea what I truly want. I am terrified to open my soul to my soulmate incase he is like my Dad, or that he is going to reject me, or that he will not like me and I will be completely alone and terrified rather than under the illusion of safety and pretending I am not terrified. 

I am terrified of telling myself the truth about how I felt as a child because I don't have my parents 'permission', or 'approval' and if I do it anyway I am terrified of the possible consequences and their withdrawal of love. I am terrified of being manipulated and controlled. I am afraid of telling the truth about how I actually feel with my parents and all (bar maybe two) people who I know and meet. I am terrified of spirits manipulating me, terrified of the potential harm that spirits are able to cause me and those I am beginning to love. I am terrified of the little souls in my care. Every now and again I get aggressive to look big, tough and in control, which is violent, unloving and rage-full AT the little souls in my care and then I feel revolting, guilty and terrified that I have done such harm and go into self punishment that I can never recover or repair it rather than humbly repenting. I am all in all completely terrified and focusing and living in that fear and terror rather than facing it, feeling through it and being with God in the process. I forget to even remind myself of God's Truth about terror.

With God terror is JUST ANOTHER EMOTION that I am totally equipped to feel. All the things I am afraid of - read the above list again and you'll notice - are possibilities or threats, they are not even real things. I make them up or unloving spirits 'help me out' in my thoughts convincing me they are real. I am so easily convinced and manipulated, in fact nothing has to even be said, my own imagination and the mere threat or the teeniest suggestion is enough to keep me in this paralysed place of fear from which I am easily manipulated, dictated, controlled and oppressed. I have been conditioned so well in my childhood that I am a total pushover. Suggest to me I am being unloving or that I could potentially be unloving in any given circumstance and you have me and can control and manipulate me as you will.

Am I living? Am I alive and vibrant and full of life, energy, passion, desire and go, go juice for God, my soulmate, my own true self or for anything? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like I am squished and oppressed and contained and that no matter what I do, no matter how much intellectual conviction I berate myself with, no matter how much Truth I listen to or remind myself of, I don't believe it. (It does help A LOT to remind myself of God's Truth, and I did have a moment of total awesome realisation about just how cool God is and that I can do this! But it was a MOMENT and the majority of the time I am living in the 'I haven't experienced this so it can't be real' or 'MY fear IS real' place.

I am that snail I drew some posts back but this time I feel I have been forcibly stuffed into my shell and those who stuffed me didn't take any care about how I was stuffed they just pushed what ever bit they found and now I am all crumpled and cramped and afraid that I am going to get more stuffed and harmed and hurt, so I am staying VERY still and singing songs of denial to try and pretend I am not petrified and completely terrified. 

The thought passes through my little snail brain that I could just crawl on out of this shell of oppression which has been created for me and into which I have been stuffed, and go straight into the terror little eyes wide open and FEEL my way through whatever comes at me - even being eaten or squished. 

Do I want to lead a passionate, desirous, vivid, vibrant, loving life knowing and loving God, my Soulmate and knowing my True Self? Or do I want to live the life I live now - petrified, terrified, oppressed, controlled and manipulated by my fear? 

The answer in my head seems easy - 'of course I want to live free from fear'. My actions and law of attraction tell me the Truth - I want to stay exactly where I am 'safely terrified'.
We will see how this little snail fares, if she remains a terrified crumpled dying creature or if she gets the courage to live, full and vibrantly vivid with God. 

Dear God 

May I have the humility and the desire to accept and FEEL the Truth of my Injured Self. 
May I be completely honest and open with the truth of how I feel to You, Myself and those around me!
God I don't want to feel my terror. Please help me to sincerely look at why I am terrified and what I am terrified about and grow my desire to actually experience the fear and terror that is within me.

Thank you God for being ETERNALLY patient and loving with me!

Your Daughter


While eating freshly baked bread, a sign I am even afraid of exposing my terror and talking about it. I want to clog it up and stuff it down. Writing this it feels like my terror is a 'thing' that has power and can harm me, irony is that it is me who allows it that power.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Emotions and Thoughts

When I deny an emotion I move further away from my true self (and God). That is any denied emotion, so emotions that I label 'positive' or 'negative'*. I have been concentrating so hard on all the 'negative' emotions within me that I forgot to look at the 'positive' ones I deny so often. I realise (intellectually) that these 'positive' emotions are the ones that could actually bring me joy and move me in the direction of my desires a lot quicker (and to God a lot quicker). I didn't even regard them as emotions. I have a belief that emotions are bad, not 'positive'. I knew that in my head, disregarded it and am now shocked that I believe it. 

I realised two days ago that many of my thoughts are not MY thoughts. I am attracting them and letting them in and acting upon them, and I falsely believe a lot of them. But they are not actually what I feel (especially not if I am connected to God and the more true self I am discovering). I am finding this challenging on two levels. Firstly taking responsibility that I am allowing those thoughts in and secondly that they are not mine and I am allowing, in fact on some level WANTING to be controlled and told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why I'm doing it. Often I wake up in the morning and say to myself what 'should' I do today**? I am now asking what do I WANT to do today. What does Eloisa want to do, truly, not what 'should' be done or what 'needs' to be done. So far (approx last 5 days) I ask and then shut down and plough through, pushing, controlling, suppressing, minimising, justifying, shutting down, pretending it is all okay, and still doing what I 'should' do. 

In my head I want it to be different. In my soul it is showing me exactly how I want it. There is SO much sorrow in my heart and I am afraid it is going to be so huge and so massive. I pray to be with God and connect but often I am so in my head I don't FEEL God or see or hear the gifts that God is giving to me in every moment. I am sad that I don't feel the gifts given so lovingly and readily to me by God. I know the sadness is there in my head but I am not allowing myself to FEEL the sadness.

Dear God 

Please help me to be with you. To get out of my head and into my heart and soul. To FEEL the sadness in my soul, humbly, vulnerably, Truthfully, Lovingly!


* Heard this (not the exact words and heard through my emotional filters) in a talk on Service Learning Teams (Mediumship Service Learning Team), and for me at this time it made so much sense!!! [if you want to download or listen to to it, go to link above, go to Events > Seminars > Downloads >  2011 talks.

** Realised this during the same mentioned talk above.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

This is how I feel. 
Like a snail with one eye peeking out - maybe - depending on how 'safe' it is. Thing is being a snail I attempt to avoid a lot of what is going on within me and around me. I think I am all tucked up and 'safe' in my little shell. I convince myself of this in fact. I don't realise that every hungry bird about me can see me and if they wanted to they could pick me up, take me high in the air and drop me somewhere, smashing my 'safe' house and destroying me (this is a fear I have). I feel that one day I may be like the last snail (in the image below) and not even need my house. I will be my true, authentic self, totally trusting God no longer living in fear. When I am my true self I will not be the scared one eye peeking out terrified snail I feel I am now.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

A Tiny, Fleeting Moment of Vulnerability

I had a moment where I felt that in Vulnerability it is actually easier to be Truthful. It is actually easier full stop. It was a moment and it was fleeting. I do not feel it for sure yet, I am still not certain, but I want it to stick and become a firm, for sure belief. I want to feel that vulnerable freedom again.

I have gotten to a point where I am exhausted. I am done and depleted, deflated, flat and it feels really crappy where I am. I feel this is how it ACTUALLY feels to live in the life that I have fabricated. I have told myself that my life is really wonderful and I am really happy and everything is 'great'. It's not. I feel that at last, finally, I am being Truthful with myself - in this moment. Really, really, truly truthful about how my life REALLY FEELS. (It is a moment by moment thing as I  am very much addicted to lying to myself and positivising* or fatalising* everything). 

I would like to say I have gotten to the bottom of something, but it feels like I am actually just hitting the top of something that is a true feeling. I have resistance still in me as well as a weird sort of relief, because I still feel sadness and a huge grief and moments of annoyance which indicate there is still a lot of feelings there. I am feeling in this moment how hard I am holding on to my fabricated life that is sooooo full of sorrow, heartache and pain. A life constantly spent 'putting out fires' trying to control everything to avoid the terror in my soul, to avoid my feelings. I am afraid of my feelings. I am afraid of how deeply sad I am. I am afraid of letting go of all the addictions I have created to avoid feeling how my injured self REALLY TRULY feels. I am afraid to 'lose control'. I am terrified to be vulnerable. I am afraid of what it feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff and being God reliant. Terrified to 'let go' and trust fully the process God has created for me to get to her! 

Dear God

Please help me to be Humble and Vulnerable. 
God help me to Trust the perfect process you have created!



* Positivising and Fatalising are words I made up meaning that I make EVERYTHING WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and POSITIVE or completely fatalistic and don't tell the Truth to myself either way. I have a tendency to minimise or maximise. My imagination is pretty good at making things SUPER fabulous or SUPER horrendous, Truth doesn't really come into it much. 'It is how it is' or 'it was how it was'  - feel that, the way it feels/ felt - are very new concepts for me. Maybe it is Truth that is a new concept for me. The Truth of my feeling experience the way I felt it, not the way I have been told I felt it.

Monday, 6 June 2011

We were talking to Jesus and he reminded us of these Truths. They are so beautifully clear, simple, loving, precise and easy to understand. Thank you, we feel blessed to have been reminded!

"The Truth is ALWAYS Loving."

"God does not compromise on issues of Love, EVER."

"God ALWAYS responds to a Pure Desire."*

* For example, if I am longing for Divine Love, and my Desire is Pure I will receive it. God never withholds anything from her children if it comes from a place of Pure Desire. If I am not receiving Divine Love then MY desire or part of the desire is not pure. I feel God has made that Clear, Simple, Loving, Precise and Easy to understand - I am the one who makes it complicated. Thank you Jesus and Thank you God, we are grateful!

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Avoidance Fear Desire

I have noticed in the last few weeks how often I am in avoidance which is all glossed up to look like I am doing the "loving thing" for myself. I have avoided my mother and others rather than staying open - the difference is becoming very clear.

When I avoid someone there is always a fear/feeling underneath, lurking and causing damage to myself and opening me up to negative spirit influence.

When I am open, I am open to the fear/feeling and able to be in the person's presence. If the person is unloving I am able to leave at any time while still being connected to myself rather than influenced by the spirit world and their wants.

Yesterday I spent most of the day in and out of Sydney airport. One of my major fears is when I open up to the spirit world I will see everything and everyone. No brake.....just this constant barrage of in your face spirit interaction and desperate plea's for help. Hospitals have always been my Number One place of full on spirit mission has been to avoid them as much as possible! Listening to AJ talking about spirit influence while in the plane and at the airport I have now decided that airports might be more of a spirit gathering Mecca than hospitals! When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Talking to my guide Angelo, he explained how passion and desire was my missing link when opening up to the spirit world. Yes I will be able to see everything, but it will be my desire and choice of how I interact. The example he gave me was this:

When I go for a bike ride through the mountains for pleasure I can choose which hills I go up, I can choose which road I take, when I stop for a break and I can choose who I talk to along the way.

My desire is now leading the way, yet I can see and feel everything.

It is the same with the spirit world. Our desire is so important as it can lead the way..........and yes I can open up to everything. If I choose not to, then the chinks in my armour will not only affect my relationship with God it will also affect my passions and desires which will be over cloaked by the spirit world.

Dear God,
I pray to stay open and feel. To make the choice to feel rather than avoid. I am weak at present. Thank you for being the guide I have always desired but have always avoided when in fear. Please can you continue to show me my fears and desires so I can open up to the real Peter full of passion and love for you.

Love and Gratitude

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Messy House to Gratitude

I don't believe I can have even a moment of time for myself. My law of Attraction is showing me so often at the moment the lack of Love of self I have. I don't believe I am worthy enough to do what I want to do. I  feel I have to make it okay for everyone else first. If I want to do something it has to 'fit in' or 'fit around' others and what they want. I feel guilty if I am doing as I desire. 

The house reflects how much I am willing to put up with - it's a mess. Some of the emotions are not even related to the house but they effect the house. I don't want our home to be the way it is. I don't want to live in a mess all the time and be constantly cleaning up and I am really sad that this is how I feel about myself. I also am reluctant to truly submit to that grief and feel what it feels like and what is under it. At a soul level I don't believe I can have it any other way. 

The Truth is that often what I think is going on has nothing to do with what is actually going on at a soul level.

God I would really like your help with this one. I am not certain what the deeper emotions are in this one but I would like to feel my way through, from the little feelings at the top down! 

There is a rebellion in the chaos of our home. If it's messy I don't have to truly see how it is. Things don't match, I thought I was being hip and cool, it was lovingly suggested that actually I could well be rebelling - I need to investigate and find out why I do what I do. I have been asking myself is this truly the way I want things? Do I like it? If I had it how I desired it how would it be? I am noticing in asking the question that a lot is not what I want or how I would like it. A lot is a reaction to feelings when I was a child, and a lot is about getting approval, feeling special and fitting in or because in someone else's opinion it was the best, most practical, or 'the way to do it'. I haven't questioned these things before, I thought it was what I wanted. I often think that I want things and have wanted things and that they are desires - MY desires. What I am discovering is that due to many of the emotions I hold within me Spirits and others actually drive my desires hooking in through my unhealed emotions. I am not and have not been passionate and desirous about many of the things I have done or am doing. I am beginning to get honest about that and I know I can do something about it and change the way it is. I can choose if I want to continue to allow myself to be controlled by my injuries or if I want to explore and open and find the Truth about what is in my soul and the way I would like to do things.

If it was just God and me what would I do? If I wasn't doing if for approval or for anyone else what would I desire to do?

I need some serious re-training! 

We talked to our Celestial Friends who were really helpful, they said*:

Connect with God,  - create a relationship with God, an open, honest two way relationship, (the hang ups, or not being able to connect or hear God lie with me, not God, God is there ALWAYS, waiting for me in all my mess and loving me through it. I am the one who doesn't always believe or feel that love due to blocking it.)

Start with the little pebbles, it is easier to start with the little things first. So all the little things that are constantly coming up, the things that I may even judge as 'nothings', they are the MOST important at this time. The big boulders will take care of themselves if I begin moving the pebbles first.

Thoughts, Feelings, Words, are they all the same? Do they match? Am I feeling what I am thinking and saying? Am I thinking what I am feeling and saying? Am I saying what I'm feeling and thinking? or at least am I feeling what I am thinking? And Thinking what I am feeling? (I don't always need or have to say what I am thinking and feeling to others, often that is between me and God). If my thoughts, feelings and words are not in alignment WHY not? If they are not in harmony I am not in truth and I will be projecting at others.

Start with yourself!  - Focus on me, what am I feeling? How do I feel? What am I attracting? What's going on? Who am I with? Has this happened before? Does this happen a lot? Same or different Gender? What is going on for me in this moment? Where am I? Am I in my body or have I vacated for a  while? Why have I vacated? What emotionally is going on? When did it start? Why? Investigate, ask questions and FEEL the answers ( I find this challenging, practicing is helping.)

BE  TRUTHFUL!! totally blatantly honestly truthful with myself about my self. This one I am finding a challenge. If I can't be truthful with myself how can I be truthful with God or others. I have realised over the past couple of days how many thoughts and feelings I disregard and let swish past me. I am noticing something about these thoughts, they are the ones I feel are a little ikky about, the one I judge as 'unsavoury'. The thoughts I would prefer not to mention. Thing is that they are in me and part of me and I need to know about them consciously. I also suspect they are going to help me connect to something deeper.

Dear God 

Thank you for the help you have available for us ALWAYS! 
Thank you for your 'Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love**"
Thank you for the ability to investigate.
Thank you for TRUTH, Divine and personal!
Thank you for LOVE, Divine and natural!
Thank you for Passion and Desire.
Thank you that I have not self punished myself for four days and I am feeling and recognising what that feels like!
Thank you for you God!!!


* The Italics are what our Celestial friends said. They say many things, and I have noted a few that I feel are really relevant for me at this time down. The no italic words are what I have added in my words - many of the ideas being borrowed from others.

** From the 'Jesus Storybook Bible' by Sally Lloyd-Jones

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Illustration inspired by 
Mary's Prayer (on Mary's Blog - 'Humility Study Notes' 31 March, 2011)

God this is how I would like to be with you.
Emotionally open, vulnerable, true, humble and real, passionately desiring you every moment of my life!

Saturday, 7 May 2011

My First Longing For the Desire to Forgive

Forgiveness - allowing myself to feel the grief of how I have been treated without the other person having to feel what I experienced*. 

Right in this moment I want someone else to 'experience' my pain, to take the blame for what THEY have done TO me and then for them to feel it, repent it and make it all okay FOR me. 

I have paid lip service to Forgivness. I have 'forgiven' others and held onto the pain. I have 'forgiven' others and never seen that person again. I have 'forgiven' myself but when self punishment creeps in so do ALL the times that I did something terrible, harmful, or shameful as I judge it. So what I have realised God is that I have never forgiven anyone truly God and that I haven't wanted to, and that I didn't truly understand what it meant to forgive. I thought 'sorry' was okay if it was said in the appropriate tone with a certain amount of guilt or 'make up' acts or 'I'm guilty and terribly sorry' references to go with it! The truth is that most of the time I have not been and am not sorry at all. I want someone else to be, not me.

Dear God 

Please help me grow my desire to forgive and FEEL all that has happened to me. Show me what it feels like to truly forgive God.

God please help me grow my desire to repent and to FEEL all that I have done to harm, hurt and injure others in my life God. Show me what it feels like to truly repent God.

God Help me feel the grief that is under the hurt, help me feel all that lies deeply buried within my soul God. 

God I was told that forgiveness is the ultimate in trusting you - if that is the case it highlights just how far away I am. I would like to trust you more God, to grow towards you and being reliant on you rather than myself. Help me with the blocks that stand in the way of this God. Help me be humble to my experience and the gifts you bring for me to feel.

God I want to feel as it happens and not be resisting your gifts all the time. God I want to FEEL that every time an emotion comes up that it IS a GIFT. I want to feel that. I want to feel. God help me to release all the blocks that prevent me from receiving the gifts you abundantly bestow upon me. Help me release all that stands in the way of me becoming at-one-with-you God - I know this may take time God and I know that it doesn't all happen at once, one bit at a time feels sometimes overwhelming, but God I want to feel my True Self. I want to know the TRUTH. I want to FEEL the TRUTH, your truth and the truth of my soul condition. Please God show me and help me to be humble to receiving what you show me, humble to FEELING what you show to me and Humble in releasing what you show to me. 

Help me feel through my emotions with humility, truth and Love, to you, myself and to others God. Open my soul to Divine Love, Divine Truth - open my soul to You God. 

I know you see all of me and know all of me and feel all of me God. May I have the courage to be truthful, open and honest about that with you and with myself God. To submit and come to you in every situations and not only the ones I deem favourable or completely unbearable! 

God I feel I deal in extremes a lot. Help me to FEEL that things 'just are as they are', as Geneieve says, and that it is not for me to judge them, it is for me to FEEL how I feel/felt about them and release them.

God thank you for your love, patience, tolerance, perfect process and billions of other things I have no idea about yet but I am beginning to feel they are seriously awesome and seriously incredibly cool!! Thank you that I am opening a smidgen to trust you God. I am so grateful I have found the Truth about you God and am able to practice the process with the 'lights on' so to speak while I still have a physical body. I don't feel very 'good' at doing it yet and get wayward and avoiding still - often. Non the less Thank you God, I am truly grateful!

God I am beginning to realise, and this feels like the very first 'real' prayer to you to actually want to experience this part of myself. I feel that this is like many of the emotions within me, it comes in waves. I really want to feel and then I want to stand back a bit, feel some more and stand back. So God I would like to put a wedge in and open up the teeny chink that is appearing as a desire here, help me to be with you - to catch this wave - as I grow my desire to Forgive and to Repent God.



* AJ talked about Forgiveness this way when we saw him in April (this is how I heard it, so I hope it has been accurately recorded through my emotional filters.).

Monday, 2 May 2011


Often this man
- who I really, really, really like -
triggers my emotions & my desires

 - like here - giggle.
I like men*. I WANT to like men, and I want to grow my LOVE for men. I am afraid of men but I really like them. I feel scared and terrified at times, around men for numerous reasons and potential reasons and reasons that intellectually don't make any sense at all. I feel emotionally scared around men - mostly (unless they are meeting a lot of my addictions). I feel dumb and stupid - often. I feel inadequet, embarassed, shy, uncertain, terrified, unworthy, not good enough, lesser, to name a few. I have a huge fear of rejection and feel that I will be discarded, ridiculed, and trampled and squashed if they knew the True Eloisa.

But despite ALL these emotions I like men. And I am wanting to be with men more. The emotions oozing from my soul still inhibit this, so I am praying for the desire to feel through those so my law of attraction changes and I actually attract loving male interaction. 

I have this desire to just sit (which in itself for me is SUPER uncomfortable, and with a man even more uncomfortable) and feel what it feels like to be with a man without projections, expectation, demands, needs and so on (from both parties). To be really frank there is only one man - AJesus (and when I am open, in moments with Pete), bar the masculaine side of God who I have actually been able to do this with so far. And in truth, God and AJ are the ones without projections, demands, expectations and needs, I am not. But I now have some hope and I KNOW that it is possible!!! I am excited and scared.

There is one man in my life who I really, really, really like and I want to open my heart to that man. I want to love that man, the way God loves. I want to open my soul to the possibility of the other half of me - the man half of me, the man half of my soul.

This is the man I really, really, really like.
I even LOVE him for him in moments, which feels REALLY yummy!!
He is super delicious & super & delicious.. to ME!
I like him lots. . .

I want to know what the man I really, really, really like truly likes. What he truly feels and how he truthfully express himself - when I am not projecting mountains of negative emotions, anger that he is a man or not doing what I want, expectations, needs, needy demands and addictions at him. I want to know what it feels like and how to be feminine while being with the masculaine. I want to feel what feminineity feels like full stop. I want to love being feminine and being a woman (this is a growing desire as some days - the dark self punishing days - I don't want to be a woman at all, which makes all the desire to actually be with a man and my soulmate SUPER difficult.)

I feel nervous, uncertain, ashamed of being a woman, but I want to know what being a woman feels like. And I want to know what it feels like to be with a man without 'acting it up' or 'acting out a role'. Without pretending I'm something I'm not, without pretending to be what I think they want me to be. It's not happening YET, but this is what I'd like.

I'm not angry at men but I am sad. I have anger in me and it still comes out at the male and men and projected at the man I really, really, really like, but it's a cover for the grief I feel around men (my dad) and I lump them all into my emotional injuries related to dad**. This is debilitating as the whole male proportion of the population (both in the physical world and the spirit world) are NOT my dad and I am missing out on getting to know a whole heap of God's amazing creations due to my emotional injuries and errors - God this frustrates me.

Dear God

Please help me open to the possibility of loving and feeling love from men. I want to open my soul to my soulmate. I want to be humble. I want to love - your way. I'm not very good at it yet, but I would like to be. I want to feel and be open, vulnerable and feminine with a man. Please help me feel all that blocks this God. Help me feel all the fear and terror I have - fears of rejection, of being squished like a bug when I show my true self, fear of being ignored, isolated, alone!!

What does it feel like to truly love a man, TRULY LOVE? Without need, demand, expectation, addiction, control, judgement, competition, or comparison. Please show me, help me FEEL what it feels like God!!

What does it feel like to be truly loved by a man God, TRULY LOVED? Not beholden, downtrodden, demanded upon, expected of, needily needed, projected upon?

God what does it mean to be in relationship with a man? In relationship not based on injury or error?
Please God help me to grow this desire. Help me to open my heart and grow my desire to love!! Show me why I don't want to love when I don't desire to love.

Thank you God for being! 
Thank you God for loving!
Thank you God for giving!
Thank you GOD!!!



* When I say, 'I like men', I am talking about a new teeny window in my soul that is opening to the possibility that I can actually like men without wanting something from them, or feeling I have to give something to them in order for them to like me or to get something back from them. I also want to clarify that at this time there is only ONE man who I want and am interested in being intimate with and that is the man I really, really, really like - Peter. I have yet to discover if he is my soulmate but I want to explore and feel with him while I am on that discovery. I want to know him and he will be the first man who I actually am beginning to really know on a soul level. This is also the first time I feel I have actually WANTED to open even to the possibility that I can like and know a man and I hope truly love a man as God loves. My life has been dominated by the sisterhood and women who are angry AT men and who feel men are there to be used and often abused emotionally (the women and men at times are not consciously aware of this due to not being aware of what is coming out of their souls, me included in this); It has felt to me and in my observation and on reflection, that if a man didn't/doesn't meet the needs, demands, expectations, addictions of the women I have known in my life (at a soul level) then they (the men) are discarded, disregarded, degraded or negatively slandered. I feel like I have a huge ' L' plate on in this discovery - we'll see how it goes.

** The beliefs and injuries about men I have, I am discovering do not always come directly from my Dad. I have many injuries relating to my dad but many are the beliefs and injuries of my mum about and towards men. This is one thing I am finding that I need to FEEL because intellectually I get it 'wrong'. When I feel, and trust what I feel I am discovering that often it is different to what I intellectually first thought.

Sunday, 1 May 2011


I have been waiting for a moment of clarity, a moment where I am not influenced by unloving spirits and where I feel 'ok'. I realised that I could be waiting for a long time for that moment and in fact these murky moments could be the best to write in as they are real in how I am feeling in the moment. They are my moments of personal truth.

It has been a really horrid few days. They have felt foggy, slogging and really hard to get through. My connection with God has been minimal and when I do actually think of God or talk to God it is a demand or a needy plea to rescue me from feeling crappy. God can feel me, hear me, and love me in this space, but cannot help me because I don't at a soul level actually want to be helped. I would rather wallow in my misery focusing on how yuck it all feels, punish myself or vacate my body and allow unloving spirits to use me as they would like to in those moments, hooking in through the holes in my spirit body that I am avoiding closing up by avoiding feeling what I actually feel.

It was brought to my attention that I go out of my body when it all feels too much, a 'safety' mechanism I have implemented since I was very small to avoid emotional pain. Once I realised this I have been observing just how often I am out of body, how often I vacate and am not even here, literally. My body is walking around, I still speak, but I can't remember what I said or sometimes even the actions I took. And feelings, they don't exist for me in that space I am so numbed out, I can't even intellectually say how I feel I am that disconnected from myself. Now that I am aware of it, it feels like MOST of the time I am off and away avoiding my true feelings, avoiding the pain, avoiding my law of attraction, avoiding everything and avoiding everyone. I just want to feel safe, secure, ok.

The truth and irony is that I am non of those things - not safe, not secure, not ok - while I avoid feeling how I feel. God can't protect me while I am vacant and unloving spirits have the most influence  and can do as they please at those times. I am so used to 'leaving' that I do it automatically and I am SHOCKED at how often I CHOOSE to leave my body. While I am 'gone' and 'away' there is no protection for me or the little souls in my care. What I know to be true is if I even own my feelings, even acknowledge them I have more protection. I have seen it, felt it. I stop, I ask how are you going Eloisa? what's going on here? I own how I am feeling, and in that moment if the little souls in our care are about peace descends and I wonder what all the fuss was about, sometimes I can't remember what I was feeling, sometimes I am shocked that it has happened, that it is quiet again and in that moment generally the chaos re starts and I must repeat the process. If I FEEL what I feel that is even better, but often I just want the 'peace' for a minute and my desire doesn't go deeper. I know in my head that if I feel the causal emotions within me then peace can descend for long periods of time, I am praying to grow the desire for that one, as part of me is content with just little moments of peace and doesn't believe it is possible for longer, I don't believe I deserve it.

In the moments I leave my body the little souls in our care are totally unprotected. When I look back in my moments of non spirit influence, I feel sad, ashamed, self punishing and yuck that I don't want to feel my feelings and I actually don't want to protect them in those moments. I would rather vacate and flip out and avoid it all. I would rather feel all the yucky capping emotions than go into the real feelings this cause me to not want to feel my feelings. The real feeling of TERROR!!! (And other emotions I suspect. But the one that is keeping me where I am at this time, the one I really want to avoid is the fear and under that the terror. The terror that controls me and allows me to be controlled by anyone unloving around me. 

I am finding my resistance is big on this one. I read Mary's blog today and she wrote a beautiful story about fear with the analogy of a snake... 

Dear God 

I am writing about fear AGAIN. It feels like it dominates my existence. I feel controlled by my fear and the unloving spirits who hook in and control me through it God. I am getting sick of being controlled. I am afraid that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hopeless fearful place which I feel trapped in.

God give me courage. God help me be humble and open and to TRULY desire to feel the fear that rules my life at the moment. It binds me to conform to so many things. It blocks my passions and desires and prevents me from loving. It prevents me from loving you and knowing you more God. It prevents me from loving and knowing my true self. It prevents me from knowing and loving my soulmate - the other half of ME God! It prevent me from knowing and loving the little souls in our care. And from knowing and loving my brothers and sisters. 

God help me to be vulnerable, open and weak. God help me to be with you and to feel how you feel about terror, to FEEL that it is just another emotion which I have been made perfectly equipped to feel through. Thank you God for making such a perfect process, please help me to trust your perfect process and surrender myself to it and to you!



Friday, 29 April 2011

Fear and the Spirit World

Dear God,

It is only in the last week that I have become aware of how much I will do anything to avoid FEAR. I am only just realising how blocked I am in feeling Fear itself. I use the Spirit World to protect me at all costs from my fears......This is very funny and ironic when it is the spirit world I am so afraid and fearful of confronting in the first place.

Dear God 
My Body hurts,
My heart burns,
My Spirit 'fear protectors' feel so strong,
and my desire to change feels so weak.
God I know I need to meet fear head on and melt into the terror that I avoid at all costs, I need to shake in the terror and truly feel my real pains. Please can you be by my side as I make this creed to open up and truly connect and feel my fears. To stop the avoidance and feel the pain and blocks trapped in my body and embrace fear itself by myself.


Saturday, 16 April 2011

Unloving 'Friends'

Today I actually felt what a really unloving set of 'friends' I choose to hang out with (unloving Spirits I am in addiction with). They have seemed like 'friends' for a long time. What I realised today is that actually they don't like me at all, they want to use me and take from me and have me do what they want me to do. If I don't meet these requirements then the 'friendship' is off.

I am starting to feel I don't want to be friends with them any more and what I am feeling now is that this is not ok with them. If I choose to move away from them, if I even think about it or mention it or show the slightest desire to not be friends with them they attack, ridicule and use any means possible, especially hooking into how bad I feel about myself and they use it all to keep me with them.

I also felt that the only way for me to actually get away is to stand before them and say, 'You know what guys I don't want to do this any more, I don't want to be friends with you, I want to be friends with God and hang out with people who actually like me for me.' 

In my fear I want to go up all tough and hard and tell them to go stuff it and that I don't care and they mean nothing to me. But this is not the case, the reality is that I believe they are the only friends I have and I am so used to them numbing me out*, making me 'feel good' and 'helping' me avoid my loneliness that I am afraid I won't be able to survive without them. The most fearful part is being alone, to truly feel that feeling. The truth is I am not alone, God loves me and is always with me, but I don't truly FEEL that all the time yet, it is still only in my head. 

I feel like I may have had the briefest feeling of what Jesus and Mary talk about when they speak of 'softening' and being 'weak' to feel fear. (I also think Jesus and Mary have used a similar example to what I write here in the past about Spirits in addictive relationships.)

If I go up to these 'friends' all tough and fake brave they will laugh, they already are and they know I don't mean it, that I am TRYING to be brave, and as Mary says, 'Trying is lying'. The only way that I am actually going to face this fear and let it go is to go up crying or shaking or however I am in the moment (I don't know what this will look or feel like yet as I haven't experienced it) and say, 'I'm leaving, you can do what you want to, I don't fully trust this process when it comes to fear emotions, but I am actually going to give this a go. I am going to feel what ever you throw at me and I am going to talk to God and pray my little heart out and I am going to FEEL my way through this, WITH GOD, 'cos  God actually loves and cares for me'. I'd like to say 'Bring it on' but I don't feel quite that confident. In fact I feel very small, and very vulnerable, and still somewhat disbelieving. I feel there is a lot more longing/praying to do and desire to grow, but today I FELT the inkling that it might be possible for me to do this, if I desire it enough**.

Dear God,
Please help me be humble, vulnerable, soft and weak. I don't completely believe I can do this yet and my desire feels small. You know me as I am and you made me perfectly equipped to feel every feeling I have and fear is one of those feelings, so God please help me grow the desire and believe, please help me to be with you while I feel through this!
Thank you God for being with me, for your love God, Thank you.


* Being numbed out feels literally like that, I don't feel. I can also explain it as feeling like I am not actually in my body, I am watching things happen and I see them happening but it is as if I am not there, I am about 3 cm behind my eyes. I can't quite do anything about it, like a dream or a sleep that I can't quite wake up from. Or being drunk or REALLY over tired. Knowing that I am doing things but literally not able to feel them. My fingers go a bit and or A LOT numb and so do other parts of my body, and I can't remember a lot of what I have been saying or doing. I am not there.

** I felt SO bad and SO terrible today, I felt hopeless, helpless and unable to get anything done, even things I usually really like doing gave me no joy, no excitement, no nothing. I had no desire. I couldn't and didn't want to connect to Peter. I didn't want to love Peter or the little soul's in our care. I didn't want to love myself. I felt it was impossible and I was trapped, that I would be stuck here forever. I wanted to tell the world to F-off. I wanted to fall asleep for a hundred years like sleeping beauty, but wake up with it all being different and me being at one with God without feeling anything. I wanted it all to go away and someone else to feel for me, but no one can, I am the only one who can release these emotions, God can help me, but God wont do it for me.

Friday, 8 April 2011

The Sheep

Today my morning was spent classing, drenching, foot trimming and drafting a mob of sheep into three new mobs. By lunch one of the classed mobs had been mixed up with the ones still needing to be processed.

Did I get angry......Yes, but not with the guy moving the sheep or the spirits lending a hand. I was angry with me and why I have to do everything, be responsible for everything and then the icing on the cake was my self worth. How quickly we can go from anger and self punishment to the real emotions.

In the past I would always blame the guy who made the mistake. This time it was clear. 

If it negatively affects me in any way, then yes I have some injury or block that is part of the cause. 

What stops me is when I am not prepared to look at myself. It is always so easy to look at others and what is going on for them. 

When I am humble I am open to looking at myself and whats going on for me. How can you really feel without being humble?

So Dear God

Thank you for showing me my blocks today, for giving me the help I needed to open up to my Soul and feel just a little bit more......Thank You for your Love 

With Love and Gratitude

Heart and Tree

About a week ago we were talking to our guides and they gave me two beautiful images to portray what my soul was like at the moment.

The first was a Heart with arteries and blood vessels (which did creep me out a bit as an emotion in me still recoils to the thought of a lot of pumping, gushing blood, and the second was of a tree. Both in essence represent the same thing.

The heart or the trunk of the tree is my soul. The arteries or big branches are my causal emotions and the blood vessels or the twigs are all the blocks that I have to seeing the branches (causal emotions). Then on top of that are the leaves or the blood flowing about and that is the facades we create to hide our True Selves.

I liked the tree image as I could imagine my facade or fabricated self changing with the season, different coloured leaves for each period of my life or season. Facades I had created to fit in or avoid feeling the deep loneliness, lack of love and other emotions that felt, and still feel too painful to contemplate at times.

Now my soul has winter bare branches as I begin to realise what is truly beneath the facades I worked so hard to create. I am getting tired of the facade, in fact exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to pretend all the time, to keep up appearances, be the girl I feel everyone wants me to be. The Truth is a relief. It is like a breath of fresh air on a stagnant day. I can't say I love feeling the feelings that are coming up yet, but it has become a relief to actually feel how I FEEL and know it is real and not what I think I should be feeling or what someone else said I ought to feel. With God's help I am more willing to see the twigs (blocks), Branches (causal emotions) and trunk (my soul) of the tree. 

As well as having branches and twigs, I also have roots with little shoots of roots coming off them. The roots are all the causal emotions and the little shooty bits coming off are the blocks, and that is all UNDERGROUND. That to me represents all the raw, ugly, stinky, 'un-mentionable' emotions that I
really want to avoid and do not want to see at all. I want to hide them under tons and tons and tons of earth and make those roots reach soooo far down that no-one, not even I can see or remember them, hopefully ever, that is how ashamed and in denial I am. 

What I am realising though (and feeling more and more) is that there is someone who does see them, who knows every part of me and every single thing I desire - loving or unloving - and that is my True Parent and Creator - God. Because I have hidden from, and avoided my True Self for so long, I am now having to ask for help to unearth some of those roots. 

'God, please help me here, you know me so much better than I know myself at the moment, you feel me and feel all that I am, EVERY SINGLE BIT. Please, please, please help me to feel how I felt when I was the little me, help me see myself as you see me, help me feel who I truly am now on a soul level! God show me the good, the bad and the ugly bits and please can I have the courage to feel what ever I feel and not judge it or attempt to make it different or better than it truly is!'

With so much Gratitude to God and the Celestial Guides on the Divine Love Path!! God truly has created a perfect, beautiful and amazing system/process for us to be at one with her!

With more desire to grow in love