I am trying so hard at the moment to feel, to change, to be something 'better' than I am. Rather than surrender to the Truth, lay it all down before God and grieve and feel whatever comes up at any given moment for me, reveal my injured self to myself, God, everyone else (even as I write this I am still trying and not grieving). I am exhausted with trying so hard all the time. Exhausted of keeping up the facades. Exhausted**.
I was reminded some days ago that 'trying is lying' and that reminded me that I am a lier. I am finding that really difficult to admit to myself let alone to anyone else. I have 'tried' and lied my whole life to be what others want at any given moment - and now, with God it is not working. A lot of things 'don't work' with God - I am now actually seeing there are addictions in me that are not loving. There is a lot of un-loving-ness in me! I haven't really focused on that before and I am still reluctant to see just how much un-loving-ness is there. I am stubborn, resistant and addicted.
I have so many facades and can be 'anything anyone wants'. Well that is actually getting harder and if I am 'what anyone wants' I now feel yucky if not in the moment definitely afterwards (but I am still doing it). So I am 'trying' to be more authentic, problem is I have to think about it so it doesn't always happen.
And there lies the problem for me: I want to be reliant on Eloisa and 'try' my way to God rather than surrender to God and her perfect process to become at one with her.
In my head, intellectually, I 'get it'. In my heart and soul - where it matters - I resist it. I know there is this beautiful path to God called the Divine Love Path and I have to say that in my head I want it badly, but my actions show me that I follow Natural Love a lot more often and at times I don't follow Love at all and God is forgotten too often.
God please help me to want to allow myself to surrender to you, to want to cry, to forgive, to repent, to love, to feel the Truth of what happened to little me, the little Eloisa I hide away (a sad laugh, I still want to hide her even though I now know God knows/feels everything about me and always has, and that the every spirit in the spirit world also can see everything I have ever done/thought/felt/been).
I don't feel I have much desire at the moment. Please help me grow the desire to WANT to know the Truth, all of it, every last scrap that has happened to me in my life and help me to desire and WANT to FEEL that God. God please show me the truth and can I have faith and courage and trust you and myself that I can actually be with you without 'trying' and lying so hard all the time!
Things I am finding helpful at the moment:
- Prayer/longing to God
-Talking to my Celestial Guides about emotional blocks, what is going on, desires and passions
- Miriam Greenspan's book 'Healing Through the Dark Emotions'
- Exploring my Passions and Desires as they come up - ACTING on them, any thought or feeling - if it is in harmony with love - when it comes up. If it is not in harmony with love feeling or even intellectually acknowledging just how much I want to to do it (the intellectual bit is more common than the feeling part at this time). A lot of 'self talk' is taking place and I am finding the conversations revealing. I have noticed I don't listen to myself, others, my guides, or God very much, when I do it is REALLY HELPFUL!!!
* Thanks Mary for this little slogan.
** But not exhausted enough to do it differently or give them up!