Thursday, 30 June 2011

Emotions and Thoughts

When I deny an emotion I move further away from my true self (and God). That is any denied emotion, so emotions that I label 'positive' or 'negative'*. I have been concentrating so hard on all the 'negative' emotions within me that I forgot to look at the 'positive' ones I deny so often. I realise (intellectually) that these 'positive' emotions are the ones that could actually bring me joy and move me in the direction of my desires a lot quicker (and to God a lot quicker). I didn't even regard them as emotions. I have a belief that emotions are bad, not 'positive'. I knew that in my head, disregarded it and am now shocked that I believe it. 

I realised two days ago that many of my thoughts are not MY thoughts. I am attracting them and letting them in and acting upon them, and I falsely believe a lot of them. But they are not actually what I feel (especially not if I am connected to God and the more true self I am discovering). I am finding this challenging on two levels. Firstly taking responsibility that I am allowing those thoughts in and secondly that they are not mine and I am allowing, in fact on some level WANTING to be controlled and told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why I'm doing it. Often I wake up in the morning and say to myself what 'should' I do today**? I am now asking what do I WANT to do today. What does Eloisa want to do, truly, not what 'should' be done or what 'needs' to be done. So far (approx last 5 days) I ask and then shut down and plough through, pushing, controlling, suppressing, minimising, justifying, shutting down, pretending it is all okay, and still doing what I 'should' do. 

In my head I want it to be different. In my soul it is showing me exactly how I want it. There is SO much sorrow in my heart and I am afraid it is going to be so huge and so massive. I pray to be with God and connect but often I am so in my head I don't FEEL God or see or hear the gifts that God is giving to me in every moment. I am sad that I don't feel the gifts given so lovingly and readily to me by God. I know the sadness is there in my head but I am not allowing myself to FEEL the sadness.

Dear God 

Please help me to be with you. To get out of my head and into my heart and soul. To FEEL the sadness in my soul, humbly, vulnerably, Truthfully, Lovingly!


* Heard this (not the exact words and heard through my emotional filters) in a talk on Service Learning Teams (Mediumship Service Learning Team), and for me at this time it made so much sense!!! [if you want to download or listen to to it, go to link above, go to Events > Seminars > Downloads >  2011 talks.

** Realised this during the same mentioned talk above.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

This is how I feel. 
Like a snail with one eye peeking out - maybe - depending on how 'safe' it is. Thing is being a snail I attempt to avoid a lot of what is going on within me and around me. I think I am all tucked up and 'safe' in my little shell. I convince myself of this in fact. I don't realise that every hungry bird about me can see me and if they wanted to they could pick me up, take me high in the air and drop me somewhere, smashing my 'safe' house and destroying me (this is a fear I have). I feel that one day I may be like the last snail (in the image below) and not even need my house. I will be my true, authentic self, totally trusting God no longer living in fear. When I am my true self I will not be the scared one eye peeking out terrified snail I feel I am now.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

A Tiny, Fleeting Moment of Vulnerability

I had a moment where I felt that in Vulnerability it is actually easier to be Truthful. It is actually easier full stop. It was a moment and it was fleeting. I do not feel it for sure yet, I am still not certain, but I want it to stick and become a firm, for sure belief. I want to feel that vulnerable freedom again.

I have gotten to a point where I am exhausted. I am done and depleted, deflated, flat and it feels really crappy where I am. I feel this is how it ACTUALLY feels to live in the life that I have fabricated. I have told myself that my life is really wonderful and I am really happy and everything is 'great'. It's not. I feel that at last, finally, I am being Truthful with myself - in this moment. Really, really, truly truthful about how my life REALLY FEELS. (It is a moment by moment thing as I  am very much addicted to lying to myself and positivising* or fatalising* everything). 

I would like to say I have gotten to the bottom of something, but it feels like I am actually just hitting the top of something that is a true feeling. I have resistance still in me as well as a weird sort of relief, because I still feel sadness and a huge grief and moments of annoyance which indicate there is still a lot of feelings there. I am feeling in this moment how hard I am holding on to my fabricated life that is sooooo full of sorrow, heartache and pain. A life constantly spent 'putting out fires' trying to control everything to avoid the terror in my soul, to avoid my feelings. I am afraid of my feelings. I am afraid of how deeply sad I am. I am afraid of letting go of all the addictions I have created to avoid feeling how my injured self REALLY TRULY feels. I am afraid to 'lose control'. I am terrified to be vulnerable. I am afraid of what it feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff and being God reliant. Terrified to 'let go' and trust fully the process God has created for me to get to her! 

Dear God

Please help me to be Humble and Vulnerable. 
God help me to Trust the perfect process you have created!



* Positivising and Fatalising are words I made up meaning that I make EVERYTHING WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and POSITIVE or completely fatalistic and don't tell the Truth to myself either way. I have a tendency to minimise or maximise. My imagination is pretty good at making things SUPER fabulous or SUPER horrendous, Truth doesn't really come into it much. 'It is how it is' or 'it was how it was'  - feel that, the way it feels/ felt - are very new concepts for me. Maybe it is Truth that is a new concept for me. The Truth of my feeling experience the way I felt it, not the way I have been told I felt it.

Monday, 6 June 2011

We were talking to Jesus and he reminded us of these Truths. They are so beautifully clear, simple, loving, precise and easy to understand. Thank you, we feel blessed to have been reminded!

"The Truth is ALWAYS Loving."

"God does not compromise on issues of Love, EVER."

"God ALWAYS responds to a Pure Desire."*

* For example, if I am longing for Divine Love, and my Desire is Pure I will receive it. God never withholds anything from her children if it comes from a place of Pure Desire. If I am not receiving Divine Love then MY desire or part of the desire is not pure. I feel God has made that Clear, Simple, Loving, Precise and Easy to understand - I am the one who makes it complicated. Thank you Jesus and Thank you God, we are grateful!