Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Avoidance Fear Desire

I have noticed in the last few weeks how often I am in avoidance which is all glossed up to look like I am doing the "loving thing" for myself. I have avoided my mother and others rather than staying open - the difference is becoming very clear.

When I avoid someone there is always a fear/feeling underneath, lurking and causing damage to myself and opening me up to negative spirit influence.

When I am open, I am open to the fear/feeling and able to be in the person's presence. If the person is unloving I am able to leave at any time while still being connected to myself rather than influenced by the spirit world and their wants.

Yesterday I spent most of the day in and out of Sydney airport. One of my major fears is when I open up to the spirit world I will see everything and everyone. No brake.....just this constant barrage of in your face spirit interaction and desperate plea's for help. Hospitals have always been my Number One place of full on spirit intensity....my mission has been to avoid them as much as possible! Listening to AJ talking about spirit influence while in the plane and at the airport I have now decided that airports might be more of a spirit gathering Mecca than hospitals! When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Talking to my guide Angelo, he explained how passion and desire was my missing link when opening up to the spirit world. Yes I will be able to see everything, but it will be my desire and choice of how I interact. The example he gave me was this:

When I go for a bike ride through the mountains for pleasure I can choose which hills I go up, I can choose which road I take, when I stop for a break and I can choose who I talk to along the way.

My desire is now leading the way, yet I can see and feel everything.

It is the same with the spirit world. Our desire is so important as it can lead the way..........and yes I can open up to everything. If I choose not to, then the chinks in my armour will not only affect my relationship with God it will also affect my passions and desires which will be over cloaked by the spirit world.

Dear God,
I pray to stay open and feel. To make the choice to feel rather than avoid. I am weak at present. Thank you for being the guide I have always desired but have always avoided when in fear. Please can you continue to show me my fears and desires so I can open up to the real Peter full of passion and love for you.

Love and Gratitude

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Messy House to Gratitude

I don't believe I can have even a moment of time for myself. My law of Attraction is showing me so often at the moment the lack of Love of self I have. I don't believe I am worthy enough to do what I want to do. I  feel I have to make it okay for everyone else first. If I want to do something it has to 'fit in' or 'fit around' others and what they want. I feel guilty if I am doing as I desire. 

The house reflects how much I am willing to put up with - it's a mess. Some of the emotions are not even related to the house but they effect the house. I don't want our home to be the way it is. I don't want to live in a mess all the time and be constantly cleaning up and I am really sad that this is how I feel about myself. I also am reluctant to truly submit to that grief and feel what it feels like and what is under it. At a soul level I don't believe I can have it any other way. 

The Truth is that often what I think is going on has nothing to do with what is actually going on at a soul level.

God I would really like your help with this one. I am not certain what the deeper emotions are in this one but I would like to feel my way through, from the little feelings at the top down! 

There is a rebellion in the chaos of our home. If it's messy I don't have to truly see how it is. Things don't match, I thought I was being hip and cool, it was lovingly suggested that actually I could well be rebelling - I need to investigate and find out why I do what I do. I have been asking myself is this truly the way I want things? Do I like it? If I had it how I desired it how would it be? I am noticing in asking the question that a lot is not what I want or how I would like it. A lot is a reaction to feelings when I was a child, and a lot is about getting approval, feeling special and fitting in or because in someone else's opinion it was the best, most practical, or 'the way to do it'. I haven't questioned these things before, I thought it was what I wanted. I often think that I want things and have wanted things and that they are desires - MY desires. What I am discovering is that due to many of the emotions I hold within me Spirits and others actually drive my desires hooking in through my unhealed emotions. I am not and have not been passionate and desirous about many of the things I have done or am doing. I am beginning to get honest about that and I know I can do something about it and change the way it is. I can choose if I want to continue to allow myself to be controlled by my injuries or if I want to explore and open and find the Truth about what is in my soul and the way I would like to do things.

If it was just God and me what would I do? If I wasn't doing if for approval or for anyone else what would I desire to do?

I need some serious re-training! 

We talked to our Celestial Friends who were really helpful, they said*:

Connect with God,  - create a relationship with God, an open, honest two way relationship, (the hang ups, or not being able to connect or hear God lie with me, not God, God is there ALWAYS, waiting for me in all my mess and loving me through it. I am the one who doesn't always believe or feel that love due to blocking it.)

Start with the little pebbles, it is easier to start with the little things first. So all the little things that are constantly coming up, the things that I may even judge as 'nothings', they are the MOST important at this time. The big boulders will take care of themselves if I begin moving the pebbles first.

Thoughts, Feelings, Words, are they all the same? Do they match? Am I feeling what I am thinking and saying? Am I thinking what I am feeling and saying? Am I saying what I'm feeling and thinking? or at least am I feeling what I am thinking? And Thinking what I am feeling? (I don't always need or have to say what I am thinking and feeling to others, often that is between me and God). If my thoughts, feelings and words are not in alignment WHY not? If they are not in harmony I am not in truth and I will be projecting at others.

Start with yourself!  - Focus on me, what am I feeling? How do I feel? What am I attracting? What's going on? Who am I with? Has this happened before? Does this happen a lot? Same or different Gender? What is going on for me in this moment? Where am I? Am I in my body or have I vacated for a  while? Why have I vacated? What emotionally is going on? When did it start? Why? Investigate, ask questions and FEEL the answers ( I find this challenging, practicing is helping.)

BE  TRUTHFUL!! totally blatantly honestly truthful with myself about my self. This one I am finding a challenge. If I can't be truthful with myself how can I be truthful with God or others. I have realised over the past couple of days how many thoughts and feelings I disregard and let swish past me. I am noticing something about these thoughts, they are the ones I feel are a little ikky about, the one I judge as 'unsavoury'. The thoughts I would prefer not to mention. Thing is that they are in me and part of me and I need to know about them consciously. I also suspect they are going to help me connect to something deeper.

Dear God 

Thank you for the help you have available for us ALWAYS! 
Thank you for your 'Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love**"
Thank you for the ability to investigate.
Thank you for TRUTH, Divine and personal!
Thank you for LOVE, Divine and natural!
Thank you for Passion and Desire.
Thank you that I have not self punished myself for four days and I am feeling and recognising what that feels like!
Thank you for you God!!!


* The Italics are what our Celestial friends said. They say many things, and I have noted a few that I feel are really relevant for me at this time down. The no italic words are what I have added in my words - many of the ideas being borrowed from others.

** From the 'Jesus Storybook Bible' by Sally Lloyd-Jones

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Illustration inspired by 
Mary's Prayer (on Mary's Blog - 'Humility Study Notes' 31 March, 2011)

God this is how I would like to be with you.
Emotionally open, vulnerable, true, humble and real, passionately desiring you every moment of my life!

Saturday, 7 May 2011

My First Longing For the Desire to Forgive

Forgiveness - allowing myself to feel the grief of how I have been treated without the other person having to feel what I experienced*. 

Right in this moment I want someone else to 'experience' my pain, to take the blame for what THEY have done TO me and then for them to feel it, repent it and make it all okay FOR me. 

I have paid lip service to Forgivness. I have 'forgiven' others and held onto the pain. I have 'forgiven' others and never seen that person again. I have 'forgiven' myself but when self punishment creeps in so do ALL the times that I did something terrible, harmful, or shameful as I judge it. So what I have realised God is that I have never forgiven anyone truly God and that I haven't wanted to, and that I didn't truly understand what it meant to forgive. I thought 'sorry' was okay if it was said in the appropriate tone with a certain amount of guilt or 'make up' acts or 'I'm guilty and terribly sorry' references to go with it! The truth is that most of the time I have not been and am not sorry at all. I want someone else to be, not me.

Dear God 

Please help me grow my desire to forgive and FEEL all that has happened to me. Show me what it feels like to truly forgive God.

God please help me grow my desire to repent and to FEEL all that I have done to harm, hurt and injure others in my life God. Show me what it feels like to truly repent God.

God Help me feel the grief that is under the hurt, help me feel all that lies deeply buried within my soul God. 

God I was told that forgiveness is the ultimate in trusting you - if that is the case it highlights just how far away I am. I would like to trust you more God, to grow towards you and being reliant on you rather than myself. Help me with the blocks that stand in the way of this God. Help me be humble to my experience and the gifts you bring for me to feel.

God I want to feel as it happens and not be resisting your gifts all the time. God I want to FEEL that every time an emotion comes up that it IS a GIFT. I want to feel that. I want to feel. God help me to release all the blocks that prevent me from receiving the gifts you abundantly bestow upon me. Help me release all that stands in the way of me becoming at-one-with-you God - I know this may take time God and I know that it doesn't all happen at once, one bit at a time feels sometimes overwhelming, but God I want to feel my True Self. I want to know the TRUTH. I want to FEEL the TRUTH, your truth and the truth of my soul condition. Please God show me and help me to be humble to receiving what you show me, humble to FEELING what you show to me and Humble in releasing what you show to me. 

Help me feel through my emotions with humility, truth and Love, to you, myself and to others God. Open my soul to Divine Love, Divine Truth - open my soul to You God. 

I know you see all of me and know all of me and feel all of me God. May I have the courage to be truthful, open and honest about that with you and with myself God. To submit and come to you in every situations and not only the ones I deem favourable or completely unbearable! 

God I feel I deal in extremes a lot. Help me to FEEL that things 'just are as they are', as Geneieve says, and that it is not for me to judge them, it is for me to FEEL how I feel/felt about them and release them.

God thank you for your love, patience, tolerance, perfect process and billions of other things I have no idea about yet but I am beginning to feel they are seriously awesome and seriously incredibly cool!! Thank you that I am opening a smidgen to trust you God. I am so grateful I have found the Truth about you God and am able to practice the process with the 'lights on' so to speak while I still have a physical body. I don't feel very 'good' at doing it yet and get wayward and avoiding still - often. Non the less Thank you God, I am truly grateful!

God I am beginning to realise, and this feels like the very first 'real' prayer to you to actually want to experience this part of myself. I feel that this is like many of the emotions within me, it comes in waves. I really want to feel and then I want to stand back a bit, feel some more and stand back. So God I would like to put a wedge in and open up the teeny chink that is appearing as a desire here, help me to be with you - to catch this wave - as I grow my desire to Forgive and to Repent God.



* AJ talked about Forgiveness this way when we saw him in April (this is how I heard it, so I hope it has been accurately recorded through my emotional filters.).

Monday, 2 May 2011


Often this man
- who I really, really, really like -
triggers my emotions & my desires

 - like here - giggle.
I like men*. I WANT to like men, and I want to grow my LOVE for men. I am afraid of men but I really like them. I feel scared and terrified at times, around men for numerous reasons and potential reasons and reasons that intellectually don't make any sense at all. I feel emotionally scared around men - mostly (unless they are meeting a lot of my addictions). I feel dumb and stupid - often. I feel inadequet, embarassed, shy, uncertain, terrified, unworthy, not good enough, lesser, to name a few. I have a huge fear of rejection and feel that I will be discarded, ridiculed, and trampled and squashed if they knew the True Eloisa.

But despite ALL these emotions I like men. And I am wanting to be with men more. The emotions oozing from my soul still inhibit this, so I am praying for the desire to feel through those so my law of attraction changes and I actually attract loving male interaction. 

I have this desire to just sit (which in itself for me is SUPER uncomfortable, and with a man even more uncomfortable) and feel what it feels like to be with a man without projections, expectation, demands, needs and so on (from both parties). To be really frank there is only one man - AJesus (and when I am open, in moments with Pete), bar the masculaine side of God who I have actually been able to do this with so far. And in truth, God and AJ are the ones without projections, demands, expectations and needs, I am not. But I now have some hope and I KNOW that it is possible!!! I am excited and scared.

There is one man in my life who I really, really, really like and I want to open my heart to that man. I want to love that man, the way God loves. I want to open my soul to the possibility of the other half of me - the man half of me, the man half of my soul.

This is the man I really, really, really like.
I even LOVE him for him in moments, which feels REALLY yummy!!
He is super delicious & super & delicious.. to ME!
I like him lots. . .

I want to know what the man I really, really, really like truly likes. What he truly feels and how he truthfully express himself - when I am not projecting mountains of negative emotions, anger that he is a man or not doing what I want, expectations, needs, needy demands and addictions at him. I want to know what it feels like and how to be feminine while being with the masculaine. I want to feel what feminineity feels like full stop. I want to love being feminine and being a woman (this is a growing desire as some days - the dark self punishing days - I don't want to be a woman at all, which makes all the desire to actually be with a man and my soulmate SUPER difficult.)

I feel nervous, uncertain, ashamed of being a woman, but I want to know what being a woman feels like. And I want to know what it feels like to be with a man without 'acting it up' or 'acting out a role'. Without pretending I'm something I'm not, without pretending to be what I think they want me to be. It's not happening YET, but this is what I'd like.

I'm not angry at men but I am sad. I have anger in me and it still comes out at the male and men and projected at the man I really, really, really like, but it's a cover for the grief I feel around men (my dad) and I lump them all into my emotional injuries related to dad**. This is debilitating as the whole male proportion of the population (both in the physical world and the spirit world) are NOT my dad and I am missing out on getting to know a whole heap of God's amazing creations due to my emotional injuries and errors - God this frustrates me.

Dear God

Please help me open to the possibility of loving and feeling love from men. I want to open my soul to my soulmate. I want to be humble. I want to love - your way. I'm not very good at it yet, but I would like to be. I want to feel and be open, vulnerable and feminine with a man. Please help me feel all that blocks this God. Help me feel all the fear and terror I have - fears of rejection, of being squished like a bug when I show my true self, fear of being ignored, isolated, alone!!

What does it feel like to truly love a man, TRULY LOVE? Without need, demand, expectation, addiction, control, judgement, competition, or comparison. Please show me, help me FEEL what it feels like God!!

What does it feel like to be truly loved by a man God, TRULY LOVED? Not beholden, downtrodden, demanded upon, expected of, needily needed, projected upon?

God what does it mean to be in relationship with a man? In relationship not based on injury or error?
Please God help me to grow this desire. Help me to open my heart and grow my desire to love!! Show me why I don't want to love when I don't desire to love.

Thank you God for being! 
Thank you God for loving!
Thank you God for giving!
Thank you GOD!!!



* When I say, 'I like men', I am talking about a new teeny window in my soul that is opening to the possibility that I can actually like men without wanting something from them, or feeling I have to give something to them in order for them to like me or to get something back from them. I also want to clarify that at this time there is only ONE man who I want and am interested in being intimate with and that is the man I really, really, really like - Peter. I have yet to discover if he is my soulmate but I want to explore and feel with him while I am on that discovery. I want to know him and he will be the first man who I actually am beginning to really know on a soul level. This is also the first time I feel I have actually WANTED to open even to the possibility that I can like and know a man and I hope truly love a man as God loves. My life has been dominated by the sisterhood and women who are angry AT men and who feel men are there to be used and often abused emotionally (the women and men at times are not consciously aware of this due to not being aware of what is coming out of their souls, me included in this); It has felt to me and in my observation and on reflection, that if a man didn't/doesn't meet the needs, demands, expectations, addictions of the women I have known in my life (at a soul level) then they (the men) are discarded, disregarded, degraded or negatively slandered. I feel like I have a huge ' L' plate on in this discovery - we'll see how it goes.

** The beliefs and injuries about men I have, I am discovering do not always come directly from my Dad. I have many injuries relating to my dad but many are the beliefs and injuries of my mum about and towards men. This is one thing I am finding that I need to FEEL because intellectually I get it 'wrong'. When I feel, and trust what I feel I am discovering that often it is different to what I intellectually first thought.

Sunday, 1 May 2011


I have been waiting for a moment of clarity, a moment where I am not influenced by unloving spirits and where I feel 'ok'. I realised that I could be waiting for a long time for that moment and in fact these murky moments could be the best to write in as they are real in how I am feeling in the moment. They are my moments of personal truth.

It has been a really horrid few days. They have felt foggy, slogging and really hard to get through. My connection with God has been minimal and when I do actually think of God or talk to God it is a demand or a needy plea to rescue me from feeling crappy. God can feel me, hear me, and love me in this space, but cannot help me because I don't at a soul level actually want to be helped. I would rather wallow in my misery focusing on how yuck it all feels, punish myself or vacate my body and allow unloving spirits to use me as they would like to in those moments, hooking in through the holes in my spirit body that I am avoiding closing up by avoiding feeling what I actually feel.

It was brought to my attention that I go out of my body when it all feels too much, a 'safety' mechanism I have implemented since I was very small to avoid emotional pain. Once I realised this I have been observing just how often I am out of body, how often I vacate and am not even here, literally. My body is walking around, I still speak, but I can't remember what I said or sometimes even the actions I took. And feelings, they don't exist for me in that space I am so numbed out, I can't even intellectually say how I feel I am that disconnected from myself. Now that I am aware of it, it feels like MOST of the time I am off and away avoiding my true feelings, avoiding the pain, avoiding my law of attraction, avoiding everything and avoiding everyone. I just want to feel safe, secure, ok.

The truth and irony is that I am non of those things - not safe, not secure, not ok - while I avoid feeling how I feel. God can't protect me while I am vacant and unloving spirits have the most influence  and can do as they please at those times. I am so used to 'leaving' that I do it automatically and I am SHOCKED at how often I CHOOSE to leave my body. While I am 'gone' and 'away' there is no protection for me or the little souls in my care. What I know to be true is if I even own my feelings, even acknowledge them I have more protection. I have seen it, felt it. I stop, I ask how are you going Eloisa? what's going on here? I own how I am feeling, and in that moment if the little souls in our care are about peace descends and I wonder what all the fuss was about, sometimes I can't remember what I was feeling, sometimes I am shocked that it has happened, that it is quiet again and in that moment generally the chaos re starts and I must repeat the process. If I FEEL what I feel that is even better, but often I just want the 'peace' for a minute and my desire doesn't go deeper. I know in my head that if I feel the causal emotions within me then peace can descend for long periods of time, I am praying to grow the desire for that one, as part of me is content with just little moments of peace and doesn't believe it is possible for longer, I don't believe I deserve it.

In the moments I leave my body the little souls in our care are totally unprotected. When I look back in my moments of non spirit influence, I feel sad, ashamed, self punishing and yuck that I don't want to feel my feelings and I actually don't want to protect them in those moments. I would rather vacate and flip out and avoid it all. I would rather feel all the yucky capping emotions than go into the real feelings this cause me to not want to feel my feelings. The real feeling of TERROR!!! (And other emotions I suspect. But the one that is keeping me where I am at this time, the one I really want to avoid is the fear and under that the terror. The terror that controls me and allows me to be controlled by anyone unloving around me. 

I am finding my resistance is big on this one. I read Mary's blog today and she wrote a beautiful story about fear with the analogy of a snake... 

Dear God 

I am writing about fear AGAIN. It feels like it dominates my existence. I feel controlled by my fear and the unloving spirits who hook in and control me through it God. I am getting sick of being controlled. I am afraid that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hopeless fearful place which I feel trapped in.

God give me courage. God help me be humble and open and to TRULY desire to feel the fear that rules my life at the moment. It binds me to conform to so many things. It blocks my passions and desires and prevents me from loving. It prevents me from loving you and knowing you more God. It prevents me from loving and knowing my true self. It prevents me from knowing and loving my soulmate - the other half of ME God! It prevent me from knowing and loving the little souls in our care. And from knowing and loving my brothers and sisters. 

God help me to be vulnerable, open and weak. God help me to be with you and to feel how you feel about terror, to FEEL that it is just another emotion which I have been made perfectly equipped to feel through. Thank you God for making such a perfect process, please help me to trust your perfect process and surrender myself to it and to you!