Friday, 29 April 2011

Fear and the Spirit World

Dear God,

It is only in the last week that I have become aware of how much I will do anything to avoid FEAR. I am only just realising how blocked I am in feeling Fear itself. I use the Spirit World to protect me at all costs from my fears......This is very funny and ironic when it is the spirit world I am so afraid and fearful of confronting in the first place.

Dear God 
My Body hurts,
My heart burns,
My Spirit 'fear protectors' feel so strong,
and my desire to change feels so weak.
God I know I need to meet fear head on and melt into the terror that I avoid at all costs, I need to shake in the terror and truly feel my real pains. Please can you be by my side as I make this creed to open up and truly connect and feel my fears. To stop the avoidance and feel the pain and blocks trapped in my body and embrace fear itself by myself.


Saturday, 16 April 2011

Unloving 'Friends'

Today I actually felt what a really unloving set of 'friends' I choose to hang out with (unloving Spirits I am in addiction with). They have seemed like 'friends' for a long time. What I realised today is that actually they don't like me at all, they want to use me and take from me and have me do what they want me to do. If I don't meet these requirements then the 'friendship' is off.

I am starting to feel I don't want to be friends with them any more and what I am feeling now is that this is not ok with them. If I choose to move away from them, if I even think about it or mention it or show the slightest desire to not be friends with them they attack, ridicule and use any means possible, especially hooking into how bad I feel about myself and they use it all to keep me with them.

I also felt that the only way for me to actually get away is to stand before them and say, 'You know what guys I don't want to do this any more, I don't want to be friends with you, I want to be friends with God and hang out with people who actually like me for me.' 

In my fear I want to go up all tough and hard and tell them to go stuff it and that I don't care and they mean nothing to me. But this is not the case, the reality is that I believe they are the only friends I have and I am so used to them numbing me out*, making me 'feel good' and 'helping' me avoid my loneliness that I am afraid I won't be able to survive without them. The most fearful part is being alone, to truly feel that feeling. The truth is I am not alone, God loves me and is always with me, but I don't truly FEEL that all the time yet, it is still only in my head. 

I feel like I may have had the briefest feeling of what Jesus and Mary talk about when they speak of 'softening' and being 'weak' to feel fear. (I also think Jesus and Mary have used a similar example to what I write here in the past about Spirits in addictive relationships.)

If I go up to these 'friends' all tough and fake brave they will laugh, they already are and they know I don't mean it, that I am TRYING to be brave, and as Mary says, 'Trying is lying'. The only way that I am actually going to face this fear and let it go is to go up crying or shaking or however I am in the moment (I don't know what this will look or feel like yet as I haven't experienced it) and say, 'I'm leaving, you can do what you want to, I don't fully trust this process when it comes to fear emotions, but I am actually going to give this a go. I am going to feel what ever you throw at me and I am going to talk to God and pray my little heart out and I am going to FEEL my way through this, WITH GOD, 'cos  God actually loves and cares for me'. I'd like to say 'Bring it on' but I don't feel quite that confident. In fact I feel very small, and very vulnerable, and still somewhat disbelieving. I feel there is a lot more longing/praying to do and desire to grow, but today I FELT the inkling that it might be possible for me to do this, if I desire it enough**.

Dear God,
Please help me be humble, vulnerable, soft and weak. I don't completely believe I can do this yet and my desire feels small. You know me as I am and you made me perfectly equipped to feel every feeling I have and fear is one of those feelings, so God please help me grow the desire and believe, please help me to be with you while I feel through this!
Thank you God for being with me, for your love God, Thank you.


* Being numbed out feels literally like that, I don't feel. I can also explain it as feeling like I am not actually in my body, I am watching things happen and I see them happening but it is as if I am not there, I am about 3 cm behind my eyes. I can't quite do anything about it, like a dream or a sleep that I can't quite wake up from. Or being drunk or REALLY over tired. Knowing that I am doing things but literally not able to feel them. My fingers go a bit and or A LOT numb and so do other parts of my body, and I can't remember a lot of what I have been saying or doing. I am not there.

** I felt SO bad and SO terrible today, I felt hopeless, helpless and unable to get anything done, even things I usually really like doing gave me no joy, no excitement, no nothing. I had no desire. I couldn't and didn't want to connect to Peter. I didn't want to love Peter or the little soul's in our care. I didn't want to love myself. I felt it was impossible and I was trapped, that I would be stuck here forever. I wanted to tell the world to F-off. I wanted to fall asleep for a hundred years like sleeping beauty, but wake up with it all being different and me being at one with God without feeling anything. I wanted it all to go away and someone else to feel for me, but no one can, I am the only one who can release these emotions, God can help me, but God wont do it for me.

Friday, 8 April 2011

The Sheep

Today my morning was spent classing, drenching, foot trimming and drafting a mob of sheep into three new mobs. By lunch one of the classed mobs had been mixed up with the ones still needing to be processed.

Did I get angry......Yes, but not with the guy moving the sheep or the spirits lending a hand. I was angry with me and why I have to do everything, be responsible for everything and then the icing on the cake was my self worth. How quickly we can go from anger and self punishment to the real emotions.

In the past I would always blame the guy who made the mistake. This time it was clear. 

If it negatively affects me in any way, then yes I have some injury or block that is part of the cause. 

What stops me is when I am not prepared to look at myself. It is always so easy to look at others and what is going on for them. 

When I am humble I am open to looking at myself and whats going on for me. How can you really feel without being humble?

So Dear God

Thank you for showing me my blocks today, for giving me the help I needed to open up to my Soul and feel just a little bit more......Thank You for your Love 

With Love and Gratitude

Heart and Tree

About a week ago we were talking to our guides and they gave me two beautiful images to portray what my soul was like at the moment.

The first was a Heart with arteries and blood vessels (which did creep me out a bit as an emotion in me still recoils to the thought of a lot of pumping, gushing blood, and the second was of a tree. Both in essence represent the same thing.

The heart or the trunk of the tree is my soul. The arteries or big branches are my causal emotions and the blood vessels or the twigs are all the blocks that I have to seeing the branches (causal emotions). Then on top of that are the leaves or the blood flowing about and that is the facades we create to hide our True Selves.

I liked the tree image as I could imagine my facade or fabricated self changing with the season, different coloured leaves for each period of my life or season. Facades I had created to fit in or avoid feeling the deep loneliness, lack of love and other emotions that felt, and still feel too painful to contemplate at times.

Now my soul has winter bare branches as I begin to realise what is truly beneath the facades I worked so hard to create. I am getting tired of the facade, in fact exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to pretend all the time, to keep up appearances, be the girl I feel everyone wants me to be. The Truth is a relief. It is like a breath of fresh air on a stagnant day. I can't say I love feeling the feelings that are coming up yet, but it has become a relief to actually feel how I FEEL and know it is real and not what I think I should be feeling or what someone else said I ought to feel. With God's help I am more willing to see the twigs (blocks), Branches (causal emotions) and trunk (my soul) of the tree. 

As well as having branches and twigs, I also have roots with little shoots of roots coming off them. The roots are all the causal emotions and the little shooty bits coming off are the blocks, and that is all UNDERGROUND. That to me represents all the raw, ugly, stinky, 'un-mentionable' emotions that I
really want to avoid and do not want to see at all. I want to hide them under tons and tons and tons of earth and make those roots reach soooo far down that no-one, not even I can see or remember them, hopefully ever, that is how ashamed and in denial I am. 

What I am realising though (and feeling more and more) is that there is someone who does see them, who knows every part of me and every single thing I desire - loving or unloving - and that is my True Parent and Creator - God. Because I have hidden from, and avoided my True Self for so long, I am now having to ask for help to unearth some of those roots. 

'God, please help me here, you know me so much better than I know myself at the moment, you feel me and feel all that I am, EVERY SINGLE BIT. Please, please, please help me to feel how I felt when I was the little me, help me see myself as you see me, help me feel who I truly am now on a soul level! God show me the good, the bad and the ugly bits and please can I have the courage to feel what ever I feel and not judge it or attempt to make it different or better than it truly is!'

With so much Gratitude to God and the Celestial Guides on the Divine Love Path!! God truly has created a perfect, beautiful and amazing system/process for us to be at one with her!

With more desire to grow in love


Wednesday, 6 April 2011

The Beginning

God ...
Nearly everyone on the planet has an opinion, thought or feeling when this one word is mentioned.
A traditional schooling and New Age parents meant the young child in me dismissed God from a very early age. Natural love, Peace and an Indian Avatar were my mainstay. If in trouble or needing help very rarely did God get a foot in the door.
So now in my 36th year for the first time God is now taking centre stage. How does one have God as our mainstay, our leader, our real companion and “best friend”. My desire is to share our journey from self dependence/reliance to the ultimate place of God reliance. In such a place real truth, humility and pure love would be always present. Addictions and injuries will have gone, fear and terror will have melted away and passions and desires would be plentiful.
So Dear God; I desire to be humble and open to feeling and experiencing your love and connect to the real me.  I desire to emotionally connect to my Soul and Soulmate. To be vulnerable and trusting; emotionally open to processing my injuries and blocks; living in my passions and desires.
Love and Gratitude

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

The Beginning

Dear God,
Please help us to be humble, please help us to be open, vulnerable and in Truth.
Help us to Truthfully share some of our emotions and experiences while growing in love for You, God. 

Nervous, afraid, unworthy, exposed, inadequate. These are the feelings that are at the top of a mountain of feelings for me beginning this blog. I have felt judgemental at times of 'bolggers' and wondered how anyone would have time to actually read what is written and who would want to anyway?
Recently those judgements have been turned on their head and I realise that it is my own fears and inadequacies that I am projecting onto others and then judging. It is actually me who feels that no one would want to spend time on me or read what I have experienced. And maybe they don't and wont.

Over the last few months I have become one of 'those blog readers' that I judged. There are a couple of blogs that I wait for because they are such gifts. 

This blog is a beginning for me, to open my true self to the world and share that as it unravels and unfolds. I don't even know who my true self is yet, I am coming to terms with the Truth of what is held emotionally in my Soul and what I have yet to emotionally realise and release. I am beginning to FEEL and not intellectualise, justify or minimise (and many more avoidance adjectives that can go along with these too). I am beginning to TRULY want God and to feel the Love God has for me and to grow my love for God. I am beginning to want God and to have a relationship with God. In growing my desire for God I am also growing my desire for myself- my whole self, both halves of this one soul-, to actually know who I am at a soul level. Not just the 'good' bits or the nice, pretty bits, as I judge them. But the raw, wounded, ugly, stinky bits too. 

So this is the beginning...

Love Eloisa