Today I actually felt what a really unloving set of 'friends' I choose to hang out with (unloving Spirits I am in addiction with). They have seemed like 'friends' for a long time. What I realised today is that actually they don't like me at all, they want to use me and take from me and have me do what they want me to do. If I don't meet these requirements then the 'friendship' is off.
I am starting to feel I don't want to be friends with them any more and what I am feeling now is that this is not ok with them. If I choose to move away from them, if I even think about it or mention it or show the slightest desire to not be friends with them they attack, ridicule and use any means possible, especially hooking into how bad I feel about myself and they use it all to keep me with them.
I also felt that the only way for me to actually get away is to stand before them and say, 'You know what guys I don't want to do this any more, I don't want to be friends with you, I want to be friends with God and hang out with people who actually like me for me.'
In my fear I want to go up all tough and hard and tell them to go stuff it and that I don't care and they mean nothing to me. But this is not the case, the reality is that I believe they are the only friends I have and I am so used to them numbing me out*, making me 'feel good' and 'helping' me avoid my loneliness that I am afraid I won't be able to survive without them. The most fearful part is being alone, to truly feel that feeling. The truth is I am not alone, God loves me and is always with me, but I don't truly FEEL that all the time yet, it is still only in my head.
I feel like I may have had the briefest feeling of what Jesus and Mary talk about when they speak of 'softening' and being 'weak' to feel fear. (I also think Jesus and Mary have used a similar example to what I write here in the past about Spirits in addictive relationships.)
If I go up to these 'friends' all tough and fake brave they will laugh, they already are and they know I don't mean it, that I am TRYING to be brave, and as Mary says, 'Trying is lying'. The only way that I am actually going to face this fear and let it go is to go up crying or shaking or however I am in the moment (I don't know what this will look or feel like yet as I haven't experienced it) and say, 'I'm leaving, you can do what you want to, I don't fully trust this process when it comes to fear emotions, but I am actually going to give this a go. I am going to feel what ever you throw at me and I am going to talk to God and pray my little heart out and I am going to FEEL my way through this, WITH GOD, 'cos God actually loves and cares for me'. I'd like to say 'Bring it on' but I don't feel quite that confident. In fact I feel very small, and very vulnerable, and still somewhat disbelieving. I feel there is a lot more longing/praying to do and desire to grow, but today I FELT the inkling that it might be possible for me to do this, if I desire it enough**.
Please help me be humble, vulnerable, soft and weak. I don't completely believe I can do this yet and my desire feels small. You know me as I am and you made me perfectly equipped to feel every feeling I have and fear is one of those feelings, so God please help me grow the desire and believe, please help me to be with you while I feel through this!
Thank you God for being with me, for your love God, Thank you.
* Being numbed out feels literally like that, I don't feel. I can also explain it as feeling like I am not actually in my body, I am watching things happen and I see them happening but it is as if I am not there, I am about 3 cm behind my eyes. I can't quite do anything about it, like a dream or a sleep that I can't quite wake up from. Or being drunk or REALLY over tired. Knowing that I am doing things but literally not able to feel them. My fingers go a bit and or A LOT numb and so do other parts of my body, and I can't remember a lot of what I have been saying or doing. I am not there.
** I felt SO bad and SO terrible today, I felt hopeless, helpless and unable to get anything done, even things I usually really like doing gave me no joy, no excitement, no nothing. I had no desire. I couldn't and didn't want to connect to Peter. I didn't want to love Peter or the little soul's in our care. I didn't want to love myself. I felt it was impossible and I was trapped, that I would be stuck here forever. I wanted to tell the world to F-off. I wanted to fall asleep for a hundred years like sleeping beauty, but wake up with it all being different and me being at one with God without feeling anything. I wanted it all to go away and someone else to feel for me, but no one can, I am the only one who can release these emotions, God can help me, but God wont do it for me.