Anyway the thing about furphies is that I have noticed how many I tell myself and then tell others attempting to convince them and myself I am telling the Truth and am a really Truthful person. What I see in myself is that actually I have not been true to myself, others or you often (if you have read this blog) I have wanted or momentarily felt something, blogged it and then not followed through to the cause of it and really made the heart changes. Or I have loved the thought and momentarily feeling and it has been there but not permanently.
I have blogged a bit about a few things that I felt I had 'gotten' or 'understood' but to be quite frank I have realised it is all a furphy. I have no real true experience in many areas what so ever. I have done a lot of talking, a lot of thinking and a lot of talking and thinking about experimenting and actually I have no idea really about how to go about the experiment as I am still writing it all down in my journal rather than trying it for myself and taking actions. (It is not quite true I have no idea about experimenting, it is just I haven't really truly conducted the soul experiments - Yet).
So why i share this rather speilish speil. I was in a batch of bad self punishment for four days last week, totally high flying with my chocolate cake and everything around me as I sit typing looks like a bomb site (I would photograph it for you and stick it up here but my camera has broken and I feel pretty embarassed about how bad it gets). It felt terrible too for myself and everyone around me, bar the spirits who were laughing at me for doing what they wanted without any protest from myself what-so-ever.
During this very negative soul degrading time I was sitting on the loo** reading Brene Brown's 'The Gift of Imperfection' (I felt the title indicated the book was personally for me as one who feels they should*** be perfect NOW and I felt that I ought to find out what was good about being imperfect so that I might strive for perfection while accepting that I am imperfect right at this time in God's view) and she was talking about play and fun. Now reading it I felt VERY uncomfortable! In fact I decided to almost skip the chapter. Then I reflected to myself 'wow you have some big issues with play and fun'`. The thoughts have been sitting there all week and I was talking to a therapist and what does she come out and say to me? 'Eloisa how much do you have fun? Do you play with your kids often? Do you schedule time with your man to just have fun and play?'
Well what do you know? I said 'funny you mention that as I have been thinking about it quite a bit this week, I even looked up the institute of play' (thinking I could intellectually get some sort of play instructions and tips- hee hee). I just felt depressed about it to be honest and had the feeling that I didn't want to play, I didn't want to have fun, it was all a waste of time and I didn't have a fun, joyful feelings in me what-so-ever, so what was the point? (Imagine a really pouty version of myself standing in a really fun-to-everybody-else-place stamping a little foot and saying, 'fun, I don't do fun, my life is not FUN, it is too serious, I am too bad to have fun, I can only have fun when - this, when-that...very grumpy little rumpled-stilt-skined type) I can get pretty negative pretty fast about things.
So I gave up trying in my head. In fact I gave up thinking about it and then just like that, last night these really cheeky feelings started creeping in. I wanted to write things honestly but with some humour - because really they were quite funny in hindsight, I actually giggled and annoyed Pete by telling him jokes that were not funny. And I blogged a pretty hilarious comment on Mary's blog that cracked her up (I was a bit shocked someone else found me amusing too) and cracked me up as I wrote it - but were true and what I have literally been doing. And suddenly it dawned on me that somewhere inside of me there might be a bit of funny-ness and that it could be a possibility in my personality and that I have been missing out somewhat BIG time on all the great feelings (I am not too excited as all the horrid feelings haven't been released yet BUT I felt some HOPE which has not been there for what feels like a very long time). I have to say I am still feeling a bit shocked and scared it will disappear and I will be left all depressed again.
And here is what I realised. I don't know how I got there or why it came up, I want to be able to 'replicate' it and 'bring it on' but I don't actually feel feelings are actually like that now I am investigating my own feelings for myself. The only thing I can link to this is a few days ago when I was trying to make nice with my brother rather than be truthful I sat down on the couch and said:
'Eloisa how do you really truly feel about this? how do you really, really feel inside of yourself, not what you think you should feel, not what others have told you you should feel or told you is the right way to feel, but what do you feel?' And I felt it. I was angry, bitter, hateful, and then really... really... really... sad. And that was true. It still is - for now.
So I wrote how I really felt as lovingly as I could and it was like magic, the self punishment stopped and I was able to get a bit of perspective and then some hours later the fun bit of me came out and I hadn't even 'tried' for anything. All I had been was real with myself and stopped telling myself the furphies about how great it all is, how well or not well I am doing, how dedicated I am and that it will all work out and what a fabulous relationship I have with my family - 'cos the truth is I don't have a relationship with them at all at this time and there is really no point in pretending I do as that is one big furphy!!
So to sum it all up, I am going to set my intention to get real about how I feel and catch those little, big, fat and thin, nasty and pretending to be nice furphies that I send flying about and examine them closely, find out about them and why I want them so bad in my life. Why I want the furphies instead of the Truths and see if a little bit of that cheeky, fun, funny part of myself can come and play again.
*I thought it was spelt pherfie, sounds like 'fur - fee' turns out to be officially
Also spelt, furfie: a false or an unreliable rumour or a yarn. [bull shit]
Just for interest (noun a rumor; Derived from the battle fields of World War I, where rumors seems to follow the water carts which were manufactured in Australia by the Furphy company. The US Navy term: "scuttlebutt" also defines a water keg as well as a rumor. Aboard ship was the water keg, where seamen would at times pass on the latest rumors and news amongst each other as they took time to refresh themselves with a drink. )
**I do a lot of reading on the loo as it is pretty much the only time I make for myself on some days.
*** the perfect I feel I should be is perfect for mum, dad, family and what they think I should be and my extremely critical inner judgemental self who thinks nothing I do never ever good enough (she doesn't believe God loves her much or that God can help her out). I am more than a bit annoyed at what was created in me when I was a kid right now and am harbouring some dark emotions so feel I will leave that for some time in the future when I have actually done something about those and give you some helpful information in surrender and overwhelm.
Right now I can't give you anything in any of those areas as I haven't personally experienced them and I don't think in my heart I even feel like they are such a good idea sometimes. (Imagine a very shrewed shrewish person sitting looking out of my head probably with pointy nose and glasses (looks like me but pointier nose and VERY studious and know-it-all-ee) saying, with a very elocuted accent 'eloisa quite frankly I don't think you need any overwhelm what so ever in your life, controlled, steady, just breathe, you are F-I-N-E...' This is the unhelpful person I listen to often.
On the other side is this lovely gentle soft beautiful creature who lovingly and firmly reminds me, with a joke or two, and many loving smiles that I need to allow myself to be overwhelmed and surrender to all that comes up and allow it out and that way I will heal (she wholeheartedly believes in God, loves God and has God's love in her soul so she actually KNOWS about it and is telling the Truth). She also tells me that I CAN receive God's love and God DOES love me and all I need to do is grow some faith and pray much, much more and grow a true desire for God in my heart. It's that simple anyone can do it!!! Absolutely anyone and that includes yours-truly - ME!