Saturday, 7 May 2011

My First Longing For the Desire to Forgive

Forgiveness - allowing myself to feel the grief of how I have been treated without the other person having to feel what I experienced*. 

Right in this moment I want someone else to 'experience' my pain, to take the blame for what THEY have done TO me and then for them to feel it, repent it and make it all okay FOR me. 

I have paid lip service to Forgivness. I have 'forgiven' others and held onto the pain. I have 'forgiven' others and never seen that person again. I have 'forgiven' myself but when self punishment creeps in so do ALL the times that I did something terrible, harmful, or shameful as I judge it. So what I have realised God is that I have never forgiven anyone truly God and that I haven't wanted to, and that I didn't truly understand what it meant to forgive. I thought 'sorry' was okay if it was said in the appropriate tone with a certain amount of guilt or 'make up' acts or 'I'm guilty and terribly sorry' references to go with it! The truth is that most of the time I have not been and am not sorry at all. I want someone else to be, not me.

Dear God 

Please help me grow my desire to forgive and FEEL all that has happened to me. Show me what it feels like to truly forgive God.

God please help me grow my desire to repent and to FEEL all that I have done to harm, hurt and injure others in my life God. Show me what it feels like to truly repent God.

God Help me feel the grief that is under the hurt, help me feel all that lies deeply buried within my soul God. 

God I was told that forgiveness is the ultimate in trusting you - if that is the case it highlights just how far away I am. I would like to trust you more God, to grow towards you and being reliant on you rather than myself. Help me with the blocks that stand in the way of this God. Help me be humble to my experience and the gifts you bring for me to feel.

God I want to feel as it happens and not be resisting your gifts all the time. God I want to FEEL that every time an emotion comes up that it IS a GIFT. I want to feel that. I want to feel. God help me to release all the blocks that prevent me from receiving the gifts you abundantly bestow upon me. Help me release all that stands in the way of me becoming at-one-with-you God - I know this may take time God and I know that it doesn't all happen at once, one bit at a time feels sometimes overwhelming, but God I want to feel my True Self. I want to know the TRUTH. I want to FEEL the TRUTH, your truth and the truth of my soul condition. Please God show me and help me to be humble to receiving what you show me, humble to FEELING what you show to me and Humble in releasing what you show to me. 

Help me feel through my emotions with humility, truth and Love, to you, myself and to others God. Open my soul to Divine Love, Divine Truth - open my soul to You God. 

I know you see all of me and know all of me and feel all of me God. May I have the courage to be truthful, open and honest about that with you and with myself God. To submit and come to you in every situations and not only the ones I deem favourable or completely unbearable! 

God I feel I deal in extremes a lot. Help me to FEEL that things 'just are as they are', as Geneieve says, and that it is not for me to judge them, it is for me to FEEL how I feel/felt about them and release them.

God thank you for your love, patience, tolerance, perfect process and billions of other things I have no idea about yet but I am beginning to feel they are seriously awesome and seriously incredibly cool!! Thank you that I am opening a smidgen to trust you God. I am so grateful I have found the Truth about you God and am able to practice the process with the 'lights on' so to speak while I still have a physical body. I don't feel very 'good' at doing it yet and get wayward and avoiding still - often. Non the less Thank you God, I am truly grateful!

God I am beginning to realise, and this feels like the very first 'real' prayer to you to actually want to experience this part of myself. I feel that this is like many of the emotions within me, it comes in waves. I really want to feel and then I want to stand back a bit, feel some more and stand back. So God I would like to put a wedge in and open up the teeny chink that is appearing as a desire here, help me to be with you - to catch this wave - as I grow my desire to Forgive and to Repent God.



* AJ talked about Forgiveness this way when we saw him in April (this is how I heard it, so I hope it has been accurately recorded through my emotional filters.).

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much Eloisa and Peter for sharing your thoughts and feelings!

    Thank you