I have been waiting for a moment of clarity, a moment where I am not influenced by unloving spirits and where I feel 'ok'. I realised that I could be waiting for a long time for that moment and in fact these murky moments could be the best to write in as they are real in how I am feeling in the moment. They are my moments of personal truth.
It has been a really horrid few days. They have felt foggy, slogging and really hard to get through. My connection with God has been minimal and when I do actually think of God or talk to God it is a demand or a needy plea to rescue me from feeling crappy. God can feel me, hear me, and love me in this space, but cannot help me because I don't at a soul level actually want to be helped. I would rather wallow in my misery focusing on how yuck it all feels, punish myself or vacate my body and allow unloving spirits to use me as they would like to in those moments, hooking in through the holes in my spirit body that I am avoiding closing up by avoiding feeling what I actually feel.
It was brought to my attention that I go out of my body when it all feels too much, a 'safety' mechanism I have implemented since I was very small to avoid emotional pain. Once I realised this I have been observing just how often I am out of body, how often I vacate and am not even here, literally. My body is walking around, I still speak, but I can't remember what I said or sometimes even the actions I took. And feelings, they don't exist for me in that space I am so numbed out, I can't even intellectually say how I feel I am that disconnected from myself. Now that I am aware of it, it feels like MOST of the time I am off and away avoiding my true feelings, avoiding the pain, avoiding my law of attraction, avoiding everything and avoiding everyone. I just want to feel safe, secure, ok.
The truth and irony is that I am non of those things - not safe, not secure, not ok - while I avoid feeling how I feel. God can't protect me while I am vacant and unloving spirits have the most influence and can do as they please at those times. I am so used to 'leaving' that I do it automatically and I am SHOCKED at how often I CHOOSE to leave my body. While I am 'gone' and 'away' there is no protection for me or the little souls in my care. What I know to be true is if I even own my feelings, even acknowledge them I have more protection. I have seen it, felt it. I stop, I ask how are you going Eloisa? what's going on here? I own how I am feeling, and in that moment if the little souls in our care are about peace descends and I wonder what all the fuss was about, sometimes I can't remember what I was feeling, sometimes I am shocked that it has happened, that it is quiet again and in that moment generally the chaos re starts and I must repeat the process. If I FEEL what I feel that is even better, but often I just want the 'peace' for a minute and my desire doesn't go deeper. I know in my head that if I feel the causal emotions within me then peace can descend for long periods of time, I am praying to grow the desire for that one, as part of me is content with just little moments of peace and doesn't believe it is possible for longer, I don't believe I deserve it.
In the moments I leave my body the little souls in our care are totally unprotected. When I look back in my moments of non spirit influence, I feel sad, ashamed, self punishing and yuck that I don't want to feel my feelings and I actually don't want to protect them in those moments. I would rather vacate and flip out and avoid it all. I would rather feel all the yucky capping emotions than go into the real feelings this cause me to not want to feel my feelings. The real feeling of TERROR!!! (And other emotions I suspect. But the one that is keeping me where I am at this time, the one I really want to avoid is the fear and under that the terror. The terror that controls me and allows me to be controlled by anyone unloving around me.
I am finding my resistance is big on this one. I read Mary's blog today and she wrote a beautiful story about fear with the analogy of a snake...
I am writing about fear AGAIN. It feels like it dominates my existence. I feel controlled by my fear and the unloving spirits who hook in and control me through it God. I am getting sick of being controlled. I am afraid that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hopeless fearful place which I feel trapped in.
God give me courage. God help me be humble and open and to TRULY desire to feel the fear that rules my life at the moment. It binds me to conform to so many things. It blocks my passions and desires and prevents me from loving. It prevents me from loving you and knowing you more God. It prevents me from loving and knowing my true self. It prevents me from knowing and loving my soulmate - the other half of ME God! It prevent me from knowing and loving the little souls in our care. And from knowing and loving my brothers and sisters.
God help me to be vulnerable, open and weak. God help me to be with you and to feel how you feel about terror, to FEEL that it is just another emotion which I have been made perfectly equipped to feel through. Thank you God for making such a perfect process, please help me to trust your perfect process and surrender myself to it and to you!