I don't believe I can have even a moment of time for myself. My law of Attraction is showing me so often at the moment the lack of Love of self I have. I don't believe I am worthy enough to do what I want to do. I feel I have to make it okay for everyone else first. If I want to do something it has to 'fit in' or 'fit around' others and what they want. I feel guilty if I am doing as I desire.
The house reflects how much I am willing to put up with - it's a mess. Some of the emotions are not even related to the house but they effect the house. I don't want our home to be the way it is. I don't want to live in a mess all the time and be constantly cleaning up and I am really sad that this is how I feel about myself. I also am reluctant to truly submit to that grief and feel what it feels like and what is under it. At a soul level I don't believe I can have it any other way.
The Truth is that often what I think is going on has nothing to do with what is actually going on at a soul level.
God I would really like your help with this one. I am not certain what the deeper emotions are in this one but I would like to feel my way through, from the little feelings at the top down!
There is a rebellion in the chaos of our home. If it's messy I don't have to truly see how it is. Things don't match, I thought I was being hip and cool, it was lovingly suggested that actually I could well be rebelling - I need to investigate and find out why I do what I do. I have been asking myself is this truly the way I want things? Do I like it? If I had it how I desired it how would it be? I am noticing in asking the question that a lot is not what I want or how I would like it. A lot is a reaction to feelings when I was a child, and a lot is about getting approval, feeling special and fitting in or because in someone else's opinion it was the best, most practical, or 'the way to do it'. I haven't questioned these things before, I thought it was what I wanted. I often think that I want things and have wanted things and that they are desires - MY desires. What I am discovering is that due to many of the emotions I hold within me Spirits and others actually drive my desires hooking in through my unhealed emotions. I am not and have not been passionate and desirous about many of the things I have done or am doing. I am beginning to get honest about that and I know I can do something about it and change the way it is. I can choose if I want to continue to allow myself to be controlled by my injuries or if I want to explore and open and find the Truth about what is in my soul and the way I would like to do things.
If it was just God and me what would I do? If I wasn't doing if for approval or for anyone else what would I desire to do?
I need some serious re-training!
We talked to our Celestial Friends who were really helpful, they said*:
Connect with God, - create a relationship with God, an open, honest two way relationship, (the hang ups, or not being able to connect or hear God lie with me, not God, God is there ALWAYS, waiting for me in all my mess and loving me through it. I am the one who doesn't always believe or feel that love due to blocking it.)
Start with the little pebbles, it is easier to start with the little things first. So all the little things that are constantly coming up, the things that I may even judge as 'nothings', they are the MOST important at this time. The big boulders will take care of themselves if I begin moving the pebbles first.
Thoughts, Feelings, Words, are they all the same? Do they match? Am I feeling what I am thinking and saying? Am I thinking what I am feeling and saying? Am I saying what I'm feeling and thinking? or at least am I feeling what I am thinking? And Thinking what I am feeling? (I don't always need or have to say what I am thinking and feeling to others, often that is between me and God). If my thoughts, feelings and words are not in alignment WHY not? If they are not in harmony I am not in truth and I will be projecting at others.
Start with yourself! - Focus on me, what am I feeling? How do I feel? What am I attracting? What's going on? Who am I with? Has this happened before? Does this happen a lot? Same or different Gender? What is going on for me in this moment? Where am I? Am I in my body or have I vacated for a while? Why have I vacated? What emotionally is going on? When did it start? Why? Investigate, ask questions and FEEL the answers ( I find this challenging, practicing is helping.)
BE TRUTHFUL!! totally blatantly honestly truthful with myself about my self. This one I am finding a challenge. If I can't be truthful with myself how can I be truthful with God or others. I have realised over the past couple of days how many thoughts and feelings I disregard and let swish past me. I am noticing something about these thoughts, they are the ones I feel are a little ikky about, the one I judge as 'unsavoury'. The thoughts I would prefer not to mention. Thing is that they are in me and part of me and I need to know about them consciously. I also suspect they are going to help me connect to something deeper.
Thank you for the help you have available for us ALWAYS!
Thank you for your 'Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love**"
Thank you for the ability to investigate.
Thank you for TRUTH, Divine and personal!
Thank you for LOVE, Divine and natural!
Thank you for Passion and Desire.
Thank you that I have not self punished myself for four days and I am feeling and recognising what that feels like!
Thank you for you God!!!
* The Italics are what our Celestial friends said. They say many things, and I have noted a few that I feel are really relevant for me at this time down. The no italic words are what I have added in my words - many of the ideas being borrowed from others.
** From the 'Jesus Storybook Bible' by Sally Lloyd-Jones