I had a moment where I felt that in Vulnerability it is actually easier to be Truthful. It is actually easier full stop. It was a moment and it was fleeting. I do not feel it for sure yet, I am still not certain, but I want it to stick and become a firm, for sure belief. I want to feel that vulnerable freedom again.
I have gotten to a point where I am exhausted. I am done and depleted, deflated, flat and it feels really crappy where I am. I feel this is how it ACTUALLY feels to live in the life that I have fabricated. I have told myself that my life is really wonderful and I am really happy and everything is 'great'. It's not. I feel that at last, finally, I am being Truthful with myself - in this moment. Really, really, truly truthful about how my life REALLY FEELS. (It is a moment by moment thing as I am very much addicted to lying to myself and positivising* or fatalising* everything).
I would like to say I have gotten to the bottom of something, but it feels like I am actually just hitting the top of something that is a true feeling. I have resistance still in me as well as a weird sort of relief, because I still feel sadness and a huge grief and moments of annoyance which indicate there is still a lot of feelings there. I am feeling in this moment how hard I am holding on to my fabricated life that is sooooo full of sorrow, heartache and pain. A life constantly spent 'putting out fires' trying to control everything to avoid the terror in my soul, to avoid my feelings. I am afraid of my feelings. I am afraid of how deeply sad I am. I am afraid of letting go of all the addictions I have created to avoid feeling how my injured self REALLY TRULY feels. I am afraid to 'lose control'. I am terrified to be vulnerable. I am afraid of what it feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff and being God reliant. Terrified to 'let go' and trust fully the process God has created for me to get to her!
Please help me to be Humble and Vulnerable.
God help me to Trust the perfect process you have created!
* Positivising and Fatalising are words I made up meaning that I make EVERYTHING WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and POSITIVE or completely fatalistic and don't tell the Truth to myself either way. I have a tendency to minimise or maximise. My imagination is pretty good at making things SUPER fabulous or SUPER horrendous, Truth doesn't really come into it much. 'It is how it is' or 'it was how it was' - feel that, the way it feels/ felt - are very new concepts for me. Maybe it is Truth that is a new concept for me. The Truth of my feeling experience the way I felt it, not the way I have been told I felt it.