When I deny an emotion I move further away from my true self (and God). That is any denied emotion, so emotions that I label 'positive' or 'negative'*. I have been concentrating so hard on all the 'negative' emotions within me that I forgot to look at the 'positive' ones I deny so often. I realise (intellectually) that these 'positive' emotions are the ones that could actually bring me joy and move me in the direction of my desires a lot quicker (and to God a lot quicker). I didn't even regard them as emotions. I have a belief that emotions are bad, not 'positive'. I knew that in my head, disregarded it and am now shocked that I believe it.
I realised two days ago that many of my thoughts are not MY thoughts. I am attracting them and letting them in and acting upon them, and I falsely believe a lot of them. But they are not actually what I feel (especially not if I am connected to God and the more true self I am discovering). I am finding this challenging on two levels. Firstly taking responsibility that I am allowing those thoughts in and secondly that they are not mine and I am allowing, in fact on some level WANTING to be controlled and told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why I'm doing it. Often I wake up in the morning and say to myself what 'should' I do today**? I am now asking what do I WANT to do today. What does Eloisa want to do, truly, not what 'should' be done or what 'needs' to be done. So far (approx last 5 days) I ask and then shut down and plough through, pushing, controlling, suppressing, minimising, justifying, shutting down, pretending it is all okay, and still doing what I 'should' do.
In my head I want it to be different. In my soul it is showing me exactly how I want it. There is SO much sorrow in my heart and I am afraid it is going to be so huge and so massive. I pray to be with God and connect but often I am so in my head I don't FEEL God or see or hear the gifts that God is giving to me in every moment. I am sad that I don't feel the gifts given so lovingly and readily to me by God. I know the sadness is there in my head but I am not allowing myself to FEEL the sadness.
Please help me to be with you. To get out of my head and into my heart and soul. To FEEL the sadness in my soul, humbly, vulnerably, Truthfully, Lovingly!
* Heard this (not the exact words and heard through my emotional filters) in a talk on Service Learning Teams (Mediumship Service Learning Team), and for me at this time it made so much sense!!! [if you want to download or listen to to it, go to link above, go to Events > Seminars > Downloads > 2011 talks.
** Realised this during the same mentioned talk above.