I know I have written 'bravely', or to look brave about fear or just about entering into feeling the fear, well that hasn't happened. I have realised I am afraid and told you and then I have scurried away and hidden and pretended I am brave and feeling my fear when I am not. I have had two very small 'I've felt fear and thats enough now' moments - I want to look better than I actually am. I am terrified of feeling afraid. I am terrified of being consumed by fear and never getting through it. I am terrified that all I have heard about processing fear is not actually true and I am going to die feeling it.
What I am feeling at the moment is that living in fear SUCKS! But I am too afraid to face the fear. My fear of the fear keeps me captive. I feel controlled and manipulated and confined, frustrated, annoyed, angry, OPPRESSED by the terror I feel! I have no idea what I truly want. I am terrified to open my soul to my soulmate incase he is like my Dad, or that he is going to reject me, or that he will not like me and I will be completely alone and terrified rather than under the illusion of safety and pretending I am not terrified.
I am terrified of telling myself the truth about how I felt as a child because I don't have my parents 'permission', or 'approval' and if I do it anyway I am terrified of the possible consequences and their withdrawal of love. I am terrified of being manipulated and controlled. I am afraid of telling the truth about how I actually feel with my parents and all (bar maybe two) people who I know and meet. I am terrified of spirits manipulating me, terrified of the potential harm that spirits are able to cause me and those I am beginning to love. I am terrified of the little souls in my care. Every now and again I get aggressive to look big, tough and in control, which is violent, unloving and rage-full AT the little souls in my care and then I feel revolting, guilty and terrified that I have done such harm and go into self punishment that I can never recover or repair it rather than humbly repenting. I am all in all completely terrified and focusing and living in that fear and terror rather than facing it, feeling through it and being with God in the process. I forget to even remind myself of God's Truth about terror.
With God terror is JUST ANOTHER EMOTION that I am totally equipped to feel. All the things I am afraid of - read the above list again and you'll notice - are possibilities or threats, they are not even real things. I make them up or unloving spirits 'help me out' in my thoughts convincing me they are real. I am so easily convinced and manipulated, in fact nothing has to even be said, my own imagination and the mere threat or the teeniest suggestion is enough to keep me in this paralysed place of fear from which I am easily manipulated, dictated, controlled and oppressed. I have been conditioned so well in my childhood that I am a total pushover. Suggest to me I am being unloving or that I could potentially be unloving in any given circumstance and you have me and can control and manipulate me as you will.
Am I living? Am I alive and vibrant and full of life, energy, passion, desire and go, go juice for God, my soulmate, my own true self or for anything? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like I am squished and oppressed and contained and that no matter what I do, no matter how much intellectual conviction I berate myself with, no matter how much Truth I listen to or remind myself of, I don't believe it. (It does help A LOT to remind myself of God's Truth, and I did have a moment of total awesome realisation about just how cool God is and that I can do this! But it was a MOMENT and the majority of the time I am living in the 'I haven't experienced this so it can't be real' or 'MY fear IS real' place.
I am that snail I drew some posts back but this time I feel I have been forcibly stuffed into my shell and those who stuffed me didn't take any care about how I was stuffed they just pushed what ever bit they found and now I am all crumpled and cramped and afraid that I am going to get more stuffed and harmed and hurt, so I am staying VERY still and singing songs of denial to try and pretend I am not petrified and completely terrified.
The thought passes through my little snail brain that I could just crawl on out of this shell of oppression which has been created for me and into which I have been stuffed, and go straight into the terror little eyes wide open and FEEL my way through whatever comes at me - even being eaten or squished.
Do I want to lead a passionate, desirous, vivid, vibrant, loving life knowing and loving God, my Soulmate and knowing my True Self? Or do I want to live the life I live now - petrified, terrified, oppressed, controlled and manipulated by my fear?
The answer in my head seems easy - 'of course I want to live free from fear'. My actions and law of attraction tell me the Truth - I want to stay exactly where I am 'safely terrified'.
We will see how this little snail fares, if she remains a terrified crumpled dying creature or if she gets the courage to live, full and vibrantly vivid with God.
Dear God
May I have the humility and the desire to accept and FEEL the Truth of my Injured Self.
May I be completely honest and open with the truth of how I feel to You, Myself and those around me!
God I don't want to feel my terror. Please help me to sincerely look at why I am terrified and what I am terrified about and grow my desire to actually experience the fear and terror that is within me.
Thank you God for being ETERNALLY patient and loving with me!
Your Daughter
Eloisa
* While eating freshly baked bread, a sign I am even afraid of exposing my terror and talking about it. I want to clog it up and stuff it down. Writing this it feels like my terror is a 'thing' that has power and can harm me, irony is that it is me who allows it that power.
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