I have been trying for a long time now. Trying* does not work. Pete reminds me it's really simple, 'you do it or you don't do it'. Either is actually okay**. Making that simple decision 'to do, or, not to do' saves much time, effort and energy.
Investigating why I do or don't want to often leads me to discover things about myself, but this is also a choice. I don't have to engage this unless I want to. Though, I am finding I am actually enjoying finding out some*** of the details of myself.
It is like reading a book that you sort of vaguely remember and re-reading it years later and 'remembering' all the details and how things linked up. It is at moments, exciting, others it brings up rage, disappointment, disillusionment, my illusions are challenged/shattered and what I feel are the 'realer' feelings are exposed.
Along with not 'trying' so hard all the time I have been seriously self talking myself out of self-punishment and it is amazing how much lighter life is when I do. I feel I can see much more clearly what is going on. What the Law of Attraction is revealing to me and a sort of 'overview' of where I am in my life each day.
It is quite facinating. I am not always emotionally embracing of what I am shown. I am not always excited about what is shown to me, but there is no doubt in my mind that a picture is forming and it feels like a jigsaw of 'forgotten' or maybe 'refound' pieces. I am also relieved and have a feeling of 'finally the truth!' It might not be God's Truth (yet, smile), there is error there, but for the first time I am discovering my own personal truth. The truth of what I feel, what I felt and how it was for me, I am discovering my story. I still struggle and buy into my addictions especially for approval from others, but with self reflection, and I feel loving guidance, I am able to see myself doing that, mostly in hindsight, but at times I can also make a different decision**** the next time it comes up.
* 'Trying is Lying' quote from Mary Magdalena
**I have been told this, though, I do not feel this and I struggle with making the decision and feeling okay about the one I make
*** There are still things I am not open/excited/enjoying finding out about myself.
**** I think it would be much easier long term to feel through the addiction and not have it anymore, but at this time I am still very attached to my addictions and want them badly so often I am intellectually making a different decision which is not a permanent change, it is a very 'try hard' action and does get exhausting for the small unsatisfactory amount I 'get' from it.
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