I have been observing myself more closely lately. I have noticed some things, one of those being how easily I will focus on the negative and not even acknowledge the positive. A total opposite to 10 years ago when I absolutely under no circumstance would allow anything negative to exist (it was a big fat lie but I really thought if I focused on the positive it would all be okay and would actually be positive, even though my life FELT really, really crap).
What I have been seeing lately is that there are enjoyable and wonderful things in my life and there are actually some things in me that are quite remarkable - or at least possibly can be if I allow them.
We had Environment Day today and it is the first time I have actually 'been able too' participate. Usually my emotions are so full on that the children in our care reflect them at me demanding my attention the whole time and I feel useless (though don't usually FEEL it, but live in it) and either leave or punish myself that I am doing nothing.
Today was different. Today I saw gifts that God has given us, that are there if I desire to see them.
I discovered trees growing in the tall, tall grass, gave them a little bit of breathing room and gave them a new bed of mulch which I really enjoyed. We noticed one particular tree that felt like it had been planted with so much love and it is totally reflecting that. It is bouncing out of it's mulch and growing, growing, growing!
The man I enjoying being with most in the world was there and we talked and did some things together, it was fun and I liked being with him in the sunshine, I really, really like him and WANT to hang out with him*.
I made sand castles with the children** and they showed me a frog who put it's legs out like a star and floated to the top of the water in a swale to breath; a dragonfly newly hatched and drying it's wings on a blade of grass, it was so new that it was all white yellow waiting for the sun to 'set' it; a fluffy brown spider with three bumps on it's back; nomadic parrots that we have not spotted before - red, yellow, green and blue (but the colours are not just those they are indescribable really and an experience, I am looking forward to feeling colours much more).
The sun was warm, there were people who were giving to the earth and I enjoyed being with them.
Thank you God. Life can be fun, beautiful, and it truly is a gift!
I am grateful!
* Sometimes I am VERY VERY NEEDY and he tends to head off to do some jobs rather than hang out with me - I don't blame him actually it is pretty stifling to be with a needy lady! And sometimes it is really delicious - I look forward to feeling that much more of the time.
**It is such a gift to have beautiful souls in our care who are so excited about discovering all sorts of things and who investigate and explore, they show me things I ignore or would not notice and they come out with the most beautiful questions like - 'do each of my toes have brains?' smile - these questions delight me.